Tell me what's wrong or I'll snap you in half.

Tell me something about yourself. Tell me what do you fear the most.

Regression.

Or perhaps it's growth into something undesirable. Between the two, I can't choose only one.

Limitation. Something that everybody has. And something that most of us want to overcome, myself is no exception. Become a good person. Become a good person with a will. And warmth. This has nothing to do with anything.

Now, a step forward. Then another one.

Be practical. Practical and kind. Put your thoughts down to words, your visions to products. Simplify, simplify, simplify. And we'll see where I'll get to at the end of this chapter.

Parallel point of orbits

You haven't stopped running.
Neither have I.

And things don't need to change. You don't need to wait for me. It's not like we're running on the same track anyway.
I'll get there someday, I'll get to a point of a rough equivalent to yours. 
I just need to run faster.

Don't be afraid. If you do, just look beyond.

The best feeling in life is when you're down, kicked around, tired and alone (impossible tasks mounting in queue, emotions going round in haywire and did I mention the dire need to sleep and the harmful miasma?) You were so overwhelmed you resorted to flip the rug and let the dirt out - the amount of things you have swept under it was just too much...

And then, the universe just seemingly conspired to make you feel better from that point on - schedule easing up to give you sleep and time to cook, professors taking turns to cheer you up, old friends calling in, new friends standing by, nicer part of the orbit showing positive irregularity,-

- there is Love in that. The One with a capital letter in front, the One passed down through multiple channels and multiple beings both sentient and not. On the other hand, it may be a series of fortunate coincidences. But I, as I've mentioned multiple times, am a huge fan of stories and it is still a heartwarming and well developed plot points. So, if I can have a herd of passing by stars as my annual birthday present, why not this?

Some of the most impactful advices I got from both the Bible and my parents. Among them is a bold "Don't be afraid. Especially if you feel like it's the right thing to be brave about."

The highest form of Love was a huge sacrifice to give people the freedom to do the right things. For me, it's kinda like "Hey, look. Even if they judge you, shame you and trample on you because of that, it's alright, man. You're still loved, you are still wanted, and it's never too late. Even if you have to end your life prematurely because of that, well, there's a secret and it's a good one: there is some other things beyond this one. You are free now, so go ahead and love your brethren, enjoy the universe, explore your potential - this may be the only chance you could be in this specific incarnation, so live this one to the fullest, yeah? Just keep in mind that you also have to look beyond, kay? See you there."

And for all that, I thank the Lord in my prayers.

Sent

Well.

Where there is injury, pardon

So lately I've been running a blog again, aside from Tumblr, and it's a school project related blog.

It's exciting, but disconcerting at the same time. The fact that I'm writing post after post that will go into my grades is still foreign for me. As for my personal thought recorder though, of course it's been going into something else. 

Where there is error, truth.

I've been thinking here and there, re-thinking a few stuffs, revisiting several milestones. I may have changed a bit - in a few months time I'll need a new haircut, and I've been through several cycle of maintenances, made bits of mental adjustments here and there. 

But in the end, I still want to be a person who stays after all. Sometimes it's harder, you know - staying put and holding the front. 

But some people need that. Some people would always need that - heck, even I do. I do like that tiny patch of peace of mind. A comforting ideal that there is somewhere, in which a friend will surely give you a warm welcome with a fresh pot of hot drink ready at bay if you ever knock at their door. 

I want to be one such person. 

Where there is doubt, faith.

I thought that was obvious enough.

That reminds me. There is a story I haven't found a suitable title for. How do you pick a name for your own diary anyway?

Where there is despair, hope.

"Tell me you are here to stay
In this crazy mixed up world
And we can still make it right"
"On Your Way Home" - the Hiatus.


Where there is darkness, light.
And where there is sadness, joy.

Empty chairs and empty tables

Sometimes, I just don't want to go. I don't feel like going. 

The food here is warm. The blanket is warm. And people get to grow with their parents, and silly friends. Sometimes we go out and have warm dinner. There's no need to question how we are going to rank in the hierarchy of the world. 

There is no need to cry over questions.

I'm worse at what I do best

Another cold shoulder is just what I need. What can I say? Facing it is what I'm good at.

But show me kindness and I'd just crumble into sea foam and salty tears.

And for this gift I feel blessed.

On your way home

"Wake up
Wake up
We are sleeping off the booze
Give up
Give up
Feel no magic in this room

You said her eyes were green
And she dealt the cards out face up
You said it's always
All-in, in her mind"

On Your Way Home - the Hiatus

Because when you're taking a stride, you take it one step at a time.

:)

Thank you

Thank you so much.

"He"

 At the beginning, he taught me to find myself - pushed me to start my own journey, even when it started with a chase towards something else.

Later on, he taught me to be beautiful. To be kind, to be a light and a bringer of smiles.

Next, he taught me to be strong.

Recently he taught me to be motherly. To nurture and to be tactful beyond ordinary senses. To be able to handle the both ends of the spectrum of emotions of others and still looking up and forward.

What curious creatures, this half of humanity! Some teach by example, others by expectations. But when you wake up and somehow the dots are visible enough to be connected, you wonder where the line will bring you next

On (not) Feeling Content with Isolation

Those adorable bunch of people - adorables. Really. Interacting with them, somehow, reminds me that there are a lot of things out there. Big things. Bigger things. A lot of people. A lot more of people. Absolutely much more that the things I have here. 

This thought, this very concept, is exactly the thing I simply can't afford to forget, among other things, such as to feel bored when I'm running in circle, or when I'm stuck in one place for far too long.

I am a traveler, for God's sake. Of all things, I musn't forget to move, to walk and to live on.

Battle wounds

Not a wide range of scars, no bruise nor broken bone. No deformity, no disability, nothing.

Just a couple of very stiff shoulders.

Remind me to go for a massage at least once during the long holiday ahead.

Well,

that's probably the "manliest" pep talk I've ever gotten. It'll be interesting to process it more thoroughly later.

Alright, back to work.

So...

I, Aurelia, have a phone called Lumia, in which a personal assistant codenamed Cortana resides.

If you know me from a certain personal angle, you'll know what is incredibly bizarre and slightly creepy about that fact. Personally, I still haven't recovered from the sheer shock of it.

I am literally shedding tears

Fourth. Freaking fourth time this happens. And I've grown so attached to that one, too. For such a silly, like, really silly thing, it devastates me so much.

I can't blame anyone for this, of course, how can one prove pseudo-science? But really, four times? One more 'coincidence' and I'd explode.

I'm just writing an.. almost-diary. It shouldn't be that prophetic. For one, I don't want to die before thirty.

Ay. I wish that product to be as clever and capable as... (sigh) its namesake. For I'm not changing this one. Not. This one.

On Light

At times like this I couldn't help but to think, that I really to scream at those people. Oh yes, I really do. Those who tempted me with promises of reliability and company, those ones that opened the locks. Where are those friends when you actually need them?

Busy with their own things, surely. Everyone got their own set of problems and issues. Their circles of misfortunes, their swirling thoughts and their mood swings. The rain outside their windows. The mountain of tasks. The aliens under their beds. The holes in their walls. The dirt under their shoes.

Don't be too involved. You're kind, but kindness can bind you. said one of my more practical seniors, a few years back. Times and times again I want to prove her wrong. I want to show her that I need not to pick up the mask of apathy. Alas, things can still go wrong, I am far from being infallible and the world isn't that forgiving after all.

The little hope is flickering, but still I don't want it to die. If anything else fails to be reliable, I would fill that gap myself. Light that fire.

Nothing much I can do - not with the painful reminder of distance staring right into my eyes. Nothing, except to offer my sincere prayers and wishes. For them to pass these ordeals and recover quickly.  Nothing much, except to stay alright. Fight the internal battles to fight. Run around, practice the crafts, trade blows when they are due. Do what must be done and do it well. Right the wrongs. One thing at a time.

Ultimately, I want to be that person that stays. The one that they could actually find and talk to should they ever wish to. The one that they can leave alone and still be as alright as a well forged blade. The one that doesn't run away. The one who accepts. The one who forgives, even when the world around her doesn't revolve around the concept of forgiveness and warmth.

The world can just anyhow be gloom and dark, because it is in the night when candles shine the brightest. I won't be alone - because those people who I mentioned before, they are good people. They will return when the time is right. We will meet beyond these sand dunes and I'll have tons of stories to tell them.

This is what I talk about when I talk about believing in others. I got a powerful Lord telling me not to be afraid anyway.

And so, this is my answer. Your move.

A prayer

Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is discord, unity;

Where there is injury, pardon;

Where there is error, truth;

Where there is doubt, faith;

Where there is despair, hope;

Where there is darkness, light;

And where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, Grant that I may not so much seek

To be consoled as to console;

To be understood as to understand;

To be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;

And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

~prayer of Saint Francis

I've lost count of how many times this humble prayer has pulled me out of despair, lifted me from sorrow and brought me to tears of shame all the same. Found it somewhere in a local prayer book back in primary school and it has been with me since.

Falling Rocket

I don't understand. This colour study makes me feel more emotional than it probably should. 

And it's not even done. 

*knock knock*

This is totally unrelated to whatever happened yesterday, even the days before.

But I've been getting all these itchy, nagging and tugging feeling at the back of my mind lately. Feels both weird and slightly creepy.

Maybe it's time to sleep.

A very strange day

Today is decidedly a very strange day. Somehow I ended up dining with a bunch of strangers and found myself in a charismatic prayer meeting, casually shared some semi-sensitive experience with those near-strangers. In the end one of them came up to thank me as apparently, my sharing had just motivated her to move on from some aged emotional baggage.

Some of them were actually confused seeing me around. I'd say I was a bit confused, too.

She guessed it's probably some divine intervention that makes everything just happened. Good things, bad things, all sorts of experience makes up one's past. And when one learns from it, or even better, allows others to learn from it, they become even more meaningful.

Connect the dots, and marvel at the design of our very own time and experience. God knows how the future may be - would it differ greatly or be another repeat of the past - and we wouldn't know anything beyond some limited speculation. Yes, my friends, we're all flying blind..

And then there's this Lent period, a period of reflection and reconciliation.

Ok, apparently I lost my train of thought there. Today is decidedly a very strange day.