The Fourth Flip

Just caught up with some of the news about this 'war' between a government's institution and students studying in a foreign country.

Students, as intellectual buds, have always played a big role in shaping a country internally, playing the 'people power' factor as the mobilising engines of change. I recall the analysis gained from my history lesson. The first part of nationalism reform was conducted by the intellectual elites studying abroad at that time, with a sense of enlightenment of logic but a high stake considering their aristocratic status. They strove to push the nation forward in a moderate way, but with an obvious hindrance of elite-mass disenchantment, seeing that the mass of that time had little to no access to education. This was the first impact.

The next set of students were the home-grown intellectual elites. Those who could connect more with the situation on ground with less personal stake on themselves considering the outdated aristocratic system. They could afford to be more revolutionary and critical. Combined with the evolving international political environment, this second impact brought independence to nations.

The third impact came from home-grown students in the post-independence era. They could relate with the situation on ground, definitely, with an even less stake on themselves considering that the 'enemy' was an internal one. At the same time, the negative side of the home-grown education system began to show. The little attention put into developing the education system had made the students seemed less and less refined over time. Their intellectual minds were curious, disgruntled by the negative trends happening around them. Yet few could spot the actual problem, and the internal nature of it had made the situation more complicated than what could be pictured by a classic 'Star Wars' movie - heroes vs. evil empire. Hence the incomplete revolution. Hence the start of a ballooning collective confusion.

Then, perhaps this is the fourth impact, a next phase. Here we have a more-or-less changed mass demographic with the advent of technology, and foreign-grown students as the new agents. Those intellectuals are equipped with more proportion of intellectual satisfactions, the insight of objectivity from looking at something from the outside and the critical perspectives many has been longing for. Yet as people of non-aristocratic social structure and globalised environment, their stakes and needs to please the power holder have been reduced significantly. Adding to that is the increasing mass impatience and a couple of ripples that had granted to many, a clearer vision of what they want to see. This entirely new combination had hardly existed before.

Isn't it fascinating?

Firework

"What value left is there
in this world I live in?
I start thinking it's all meaningless
or maybe I'm just tired.

In exchange for something I got,
I gave up a number of precious things
but it's not such a peaceful world
that I can lament each and every one.

What kind of dreams should I envision?
What kind of hopes should I take with me as I go forward?
These seemingly impossible to answer questions
Get buried in my day to day life.

If you were here, I wonder what you would say?
you'd probably say I was being gloomy and have a laugh.
I just wish I could see your gentle smile to blow away my melancholy.

Even if it's a light like fireworks
that can never be caught
one more time, one more time, one more time, one more time
I want to reach out for it.

We all carry sadness with us
but we hope for a better tomorrow
I wonder to what extent we can love a world
gripped by fear, thrown into unrest?

I get choked up on the words cause I think too much
I hate how clumsy I am
Yet when I can act skillfully out of the blue
I hate that even more

Whether we spend the years laughing or crying
time passes the same for all
the future is calling to us
are you, now, hearing it too?

Even though we knew from the start
that we'd eventually have to say goodbye
one more time, one more time, one more time, one more time
and as many times as I can I hope to see you again.

I never imagined that simply meeting you
could make the world seem so beautiful
would you laugh at me for being simple minded?
I want to say thank you to you from my heart.

I wish my heart flowed fast and smooth like water
so that it would not settle in one place.

For all those times when I need to see you
for those times when I'll miss you so
one more time, one more time, one more time, one more time
I want to burn your memory deep in me.

We all have our problems
but we hope for a better tomorrow
I wonder to what extent we can love a world
gripped by fear, thrown into unrest?

one more time, one more time,
one more time, one more time"


Translated from the lyric of "HANABI" by Mr. Children.
....
look at me, fumbling like a child at choosing words to write. :/

It's a cheap trick, but for today I'll let that lyric to say them for me. Usually I'd post a video, but this one is a special case. Relatable lyric is one thing, but finding one that's kinda... too "true" is another. If I were to write a post today, I'd probably write something similar anyway. Think of it as a favorite poem of mine instead.

If anyone's curious, one could easily look up for the song in Youtube. It's a kinda popular song out there. And a good one, too.

Wishing everyone a good night and a better tomorrow.

I think it's something like...

"I know more than you'd like."
"But no more than I allow."
"Then again, more than you know."

...

Ok can. Play on.

epic BPL finale

One word: epic.
As much as I'm grieving over ManU (must. not. angst. argh. OTL), I applause ManCity for their well-deserved win.

On a much much personal note, how I wish I was -there- now...

an sms to Fate, a friend of mine

YES, I am writing about a person with a bloody sorry excuse for a luck.

NO, I am not asking for a first hand experience.

"What doesn't kill you will make you stronger", maybe, but there is hardly an urgent need for me to become a superman. Please correct your perception and be more considerate next time.

Thank you very much. See you again.

reflection

"...there was a small girl, quiet and confused, torn between being amazed and trying to comprehend her surroundings both inward and outward."

fast forward for undisclosed time period, and i still have no freaking idea what was it that she couldn't understand.

maybe one of the main reason for why i am still climbing up is simply to get what she was trying to understand, but that will also continue to climb up on 'its' own, at 'its' own pace', in 'its' own orbital which clashes less and less frequently over time.
nevertheless, this motivation works for me so far, and so i'll go on, carry on, climb on.

hell no reason go on and scream

"And stay strong; I'm doing everything."

~Details in the Fabric - Jason Mraz & James Morrison

that moment

..when things seem to be bleak, incomprehensible, bizarre and a bit lonely,
you are in the verge of giving up and start tuning yourself out of the normal frequency,

and then you suddenly notice that there are actually a lot of people, here and there, who had been offering help, willing to spend time or at least to donate a smile to brighten your days, just like that.

God's divine love flows from almost every directions, never fail to find its way to those who need it (practically everyone). I simply have to believe and be open minded.

Yet another incomprehensible part of Life - that's why I'd say it's so wonder-ful.

yet another bizarre dream

She rode in the cab in silence, camera in hand, alone. Of course, she had asked her friends and practically everyone she knew to come with her. After all, this was supposed to be an important event - it was the night in which "The Clock" would finally be completed, and that would mark the beginning of a new 'era'. But they were all unavailable - busy dealing with their tasks, their agendas and their lives. On the way, she noticed how the blue moon lit that oddly gigantic structure from afar, and how the bright blue light was shifting... forms(?). Curiously, she held up her camera and took a few pictures from behind the car's window.

i need time

I need some time to think some things really, really throughly. I refuse to make anymore hasty decisions. I... could really use some time out now, like a real time out.

"Yes, time out. Even from walking." 

Ok, not that kind of time out. CTs are coming and there are a lot of things to be done. No, actually there ARE a lot of things I want to do. The 'time out' that I want is... something else.

clenched fist

"..run and run.. the warmth and kindness felt so foreign they were freaky." ~K.

Honestly, I don't know what I am doing here while I should be doing my Chemistry assignment (which is actually fun). I simply feel like making some sentences. This is the extent I'm missing my free writing time.

Let's see.. these past months, I've been through hell and back. Not literally, of course. Honestly, some emotional things could just be traumatizing and horrible. And having friends, even as close as family, best friends and boyfriend does not guarantee that someone would always be there at those moments. Some things you just have to face by yourself. And your cry-muffling pillow. And (thankfully) your faith.

And some more health problems and worries. To take it positively, one would surely become stronger after going through them.

I'm settling down, and strangely, I'm feeling rather content lately. When you could calm yourself down and think clearly, you would see things you weren't able to see before in the midst of people and their conflicting ideologies. Then you would be able to notice, that some things that are taken as norms to many could be simply less important to you, while some things and values underrated by people could be things that are actually precious to you. That, I think, is the gist of individuality, of the freedom of expression which is acknowledged as a human right nowadays.

There is this paradoxical habit among people; nowadays they worship individuality and uniqueness, yet they often mock others. Sure, poking fun of fellows can be amusing sometimes, but to make it a primary choice of conversation.. sometimes I wonder if some people couldn't really find a better topic to talk about. You see, there is a difference between creative jokes and verbal bullying, between having a personal insight and being a close minded kid.

Oh well, I got my own (big) share of social disabilities anyway.

counterpart - 2

"Are you a somebody, or are you a nobody?"

Something did clicked, and suddenly, everything became clear. It was as if I 'd remembered something. But clearly, I forgot nothing in the first place.

Welcome back. A bit early than usual. Did things finally work out? Today, there was 11.11.11.11.11.11. Just saying. There was a lot of things that happened as time went on, yet I know that there is no need to list them one by one.

the dark sky. the silence. the road beside the coast. a long road to go. at that time, my dream was fulfilled, and so time stopped. it resumed at times, though. maybe that's why it feels like such a long dream.

It sure feels nostalgic. Like... a memory. It's that a reason for this dizziness? Because the sleep was a bit too long it feels weird to move around again.

it feels more normal now, though. back then it didn't feel quite right, but now it's like being enlightened. refreshing, somewhat. now it makes much more sense.

"Maybe the somebody has become a nobody...?"

Well. Perhaps. :)

Black-White

What should I write? I'm bored. That's practically the sole reason why I'm writing this.

It's Youth Day. Yeah, right.

When they say it's a day for celebrating your youth, they don't mean you can go to the park and ride a bike or skating, or go to the mall to hang out without a care.
Youth Day means a reason for teachers to give extra work and confine the kids to their study room and left them to stare longingly for the outdoor sunshine. How ecstatic and youthful.

Next week will be a hectic one for me, I guess.
So despite all my loath for studying, I just can't help but getting a restraining jacket for the youthful burst to calm down and start memorizing these Biology stuffs.

I develop a pet peeve, too. Can't say it's just born recently. It's there since long, it's just nowadays it's been mutating like some cancer cells.
I don't like those with no manner.
Those who whine about hearts and stuffs, but somehow unable of being considerate even for small things, at least to say 'please' or give a friendly look instead of mood breaking glares or keep pointing the most obvious thing of all things just to show they have some basic brain cells.

Maybe it's me being too demanding or observing, but enough is enough. Through this entry I'm saying it. I. do. notice.
Subconscious and subtle things irked me more than the facades purposely shown. If they say humans must have subjective opinion of others no matter how they deny it, than this is my way to make one.

But things being things, I'm not everybody's mom so I can't just bark out advices. Shutting down social links isn't an option either.
I just hope my receptive cells are more flexible than I thought so I can lead a sane life. Wish me luck.

This crosses my mind as soon as I finished my last paragraph. Anybody feel offended?
In all my honesty , I do hope some can feel 'oh, this is quite like me' and try to adjust some little things for the better. But I know most that did may just hold grudges against me.

That's why, might as well declare now that this post is not meant to attack anybody. I'm just sharing some thoughts, you know that's why most blogs are made. And thoughts, as we live in the maze (or mess) of relationships, not seldom it'll automatically involve some other conscious beings. No hard feelings, kay?

Eh, I'm serious. Feel free to let me know if you, my dear few readers have something in mind. The comment space and the chat box are not just some random wallflower, y'know.

Days and Nights

Oh, it's already mid-year. I haven't made a post since.. long, I guess.

Ok, I'll make a post in Indonesian. Happy now?

Sbulan ini sibuk. Kayaknya di jurnal gw yg manapun, tuh kalimat pasti nongol.
Ujian, maraton (a.k.a. teror tahunan), bejibun kerjaan ekskul, dsb, dsb, dsb, you name it.. Minggu ini, udah kaya last lap klo di pacuan kuda mah. Tapi tetep we ada beberapa ulangan dan tugas yang dengan sesuatu cara berhasil diselip- selip in sama guru.

Geez, GIVE ME A BREAK, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE!

Libur mid-year, thankfully, bakal dateng bentar lagi.
Tapi kaya biasa, kiasu-ness ensues~ dan serangan kata2 'jangan lupa belajar' ga berhenti juga, bahkan sebelum gw sempet berpikir tentang apa yang bakal gw lakuin waktu libur. Bahkan ada yang wanti2 jangan sampe gw makin lancar ngomong mother tongue gw sendiri.
"Mendidik murid untuk berkembang, dan setia pada komitmen dan negara"? What a joke. Or is it my fault to have some sense of nationalism?

Anyway.

Hari ini samsak samsak gw pada berani membuang nyawa dengan datang ke pulau kecil ini, dan besok gw bakal ketemu mereka. Good timing. Gw lagi pengen menyalurkan energi. No offense, tapi 'no harm to women' itu salah satu lifetime policy/principle gw. Berbahagialah mereka yang status gendernya bersimbol Venus, practically almost all living beings I spend my daily life with.

Rasanya weekend ini bakal rame. Mungkin. Probably.
Tapi berarti sekarang gw kudu nyicil buat Senen juga. Sumhow guru- guru nyelipin dua biji ulangan di situ. Clever. But that, will not stop me.

Apakah gw sedang stres? Mungkin, dengan meningkatnya frekuensi bersih bersih gw (what the freak.. klo stres malah bersih bersih..).

Seminggu lagi. Sabar.

Back to Reality

Had a nice lunch today. It was satisfying~

Now back to reality. Math, Physics, Bio and Geog?

Will I be able to finish them all by today?

I'm listening to a nice piano song.

A song that I'm practicing myself.

I want to practice my no-good-playing too.

Can I?

My Wish

Coz' of the influence I got from "5 cm", for once, I want to use Indonesian.

Ok, jadi banyak yg terjadi belakangan. Sala satunya, minggu kmaren. Entah stelah berapa lama, saia tanding olah raga lagi. Tanding. Match! Bukan tes ato ujian skolah.

Tes tetep rame. Apalagi skrg yang lagi dimaenin tenis. THE tenis. THE sports yang serasa long lost love, tragic type buat gw personally. Buat 3 bulan terakhir ini, PE lessons adalah surga kecil diantara pelajaran laennya.

Tapi matches.. itu beda.

"The most painful thing of a moment is when you can't do anything for what is going on in front of your eyes."

Dan setelah beberapa waktu, sempet lupa tu feeling.

Minggu kmaren, setelah memutuskan buat maen against my better logic as a first-aider, gw serasa org yg jantung kanannya idup lagi (ato mirip2 gitu dhe, meski gw cuma punya satu jantung di sebelah kiri sih). Dengan anehnya dan ajaibnya, gw terharu.
Prtandingan2 yang gw maenin, DAN pertandingan yang ga gw maenin, in the end smuanya tumplek jadi satu. Entah gmn, beberapa hal yang ada di pikiran gw, tiba2 jadi jernih.

Waktu smuanya udh beres, mendadak gw sadar klo gw terharu. Dan gw pun menangis. Dengan lebih dari satu alasan.

Bukan cuma karena kita sempet kalah.
Bukan cuma karena kita sempet menang.
Bukan cuma karena gw ga maen.
Bukan cuma karena gw sempet maen banyak.
Bukan cuma karena smuanya bentar lagi beres.
Bukan cuma karena smua team mates dan supporters ngerubung jadi satu.
Bukan cuma karena team lawan pun ikutan ngerubung.
Bukan cuma karena gw bersyukur kaki gw masi bisa efektif dipake.
Bukan cuma karena gw ga nyesel sama skali udh mutusin buat maen.
Bukan cuma karena di dlm matches itu gw diem2 mutusin banyak hal2 yang jadi pikiran belakangan.
Bukan cuma karena gw senang atas keputusan yang gw ambil.
Bukan cuma karena gw sedih sama keputusan yang gw ambil.

Tapi campuran dari semuanya, baik yang ketulis di atas maupun nggak.

Ga ada hubungannya sama pamor, imej, sgala detil2 ga penting yang banyak dibikin alasan. Feeling waktu lagi maen di tengah2 lapangan itu bner2 beda. Gw yakin klo ini mau dijabarin juga gw bisa bikin esai yang jauh lebih panjang dari Geog AA. Dan feeling macem itu lah yang bisa ngajarin mental seseorg lebih dari nasehat2 klise ato teori macem2. Referensi ke "5 cm", contohnya kayak berhasil manjat gunung Mahameru bisa ngubah nasib dan gaya hidup seseorang drastis. Self-experience emg beda. Gw ngerti klo yg baca ini spontan komentar klo ini lebay ato sok-dramatis. Tapi, well.. self-experience emg beda.

Yang pasti, setelah post-match period yang bner2 anti-climatic karena mendadak datar dan boring dan tidak produktif, skrg pikiran gw mulai jernih, smoga.

Udh pernah gw tulis di post2 sebelomnya. Tujuan idup gw kurang lebih termasuk jadi org yang gw sendiri bakal suka. Gw ga mau nyeselin apapun yang udh gw lakuin, ato gw ucapin, pengennya sih. Bukan berarti gw ga akan pernah ngaku salah, jauh dari itu. Cuma.. gw ga mau ngabis2in waktu gw buat muter2 menangisi nasib. Waktu idup terlalu terbatas buat itu, sudah terbuktikan dgn pengalaman.

Minggu kmaren.. is really the feeling of being alive. Gw ga mau lupa lagi.

Tapi gw juga ga mau trus tenggelem di situ. Ato gw bakal nyesel ntarnya.
So, it's time to move on. Beresin hal2 yang ngeganjal di kepala. Trus kita maju lagi. Idup itu emg enaknya gitu, kayaknya.

Good night,

Round and back

Hi, good afternoon.

I'm testing out Chrome on Mac today. Oh I've had it since it's out of course, but I haven't got a chance to abuse it a bit. Turns out it's kinda okay.. I love the themes. Yeah lately I've been personalizing some things, including my web browsers. I think I'm gonna use it for work related net life. But Facebook, twitter and this blog would still be in Firefox, though. The white Fender bass theme I found last week is simply too beautiful to be ignored. And I can't play any string instrument except making a C scale on few. Hm.

Anyone thinking I'm cheerful today? Well.. tough luck, people.

To put it bluntly, I'm in a state of randomness. Nothing coherent seems to be attached in my mind now, and no matter how, I can't direct all these energy to my works. Noo..
It's not that I don't want to do it, it's just if some part of my mind is unwilling, then my hands would not as good as it should be thus I would end up with no satisfaction on my part. It makes me feel terrible.

True, lately I have been tiring myself out.

So I want to do something about it. Today is a good chance to do it. Weekly rest is always be embraced. After my dose of peace, I hung out a bit to have some laugh. It was fun. After that, I had a detour to some places I had not visited for awhile. Just me and my solitude. I dressed myself in quite a "comfortably casual" way. With that and my earphones, nobody would dare (or care) to approach me and try their luck to sell some crap things, or for a better phrasing, things that don't interest me. I was at peace, looking and browsing some books and cute things, somewhat enriching self by observing things beyond what I'm allowed to see or notice at school. Ehh but there shouldn't be any worry. I'm conscious and hence willing to take care of my mental and moral health.

For me, it's one of my personal hobbies. Beside, it's good for drawing inspirations.

Then move on to my physical fatigue. I can't argue much about this one. Sleep is important. That's why I'm thinking of taking a nap now.

By the way, Chinese New Year and Valentine Day is approaching. I have some plans to execute, although it's not the groundbreaking type. Anyway. I like festive seasons. It's sucks when prices increase and places become crowded though. But at least I can do some small decorations and have some day offs. I'm thinking of decorating this blog. Should I?

Yes. (maybe) my effort to make this blog a little lighter is.. successful? Well I think my reader is not that many, oh well that's good too, I can write some more thoughts and post some experiments here, maybe.

To my (few!) readers, please have a good weekend.

aurell4173

Shallow Sleep

I still want to write something light.

I need sleep. I really do. Something "big" came yesterday, something that requires me to effectively manage my time and leave some space in my mind to generate some ideas.
It's not related to school, though. That's why I'm kinda, excited.

Letting something out, I think that's a good thing, sometimes.

Lately, I've been organizing my mind. I don't want those draggy draggy feeling of annoyance. I need something to distract me away. In these limited free time, what's more effective than music?
Therefore, I'm officially addicted to music.

Once in a blue moon, I'll share something. This is one song that I think is very beautiful, even though it's practically unknown to most people, I think.



Anyone like it? Do tell. Or ask about anything.
As for myself, I like music very, very much. I think I'll post more music in this blog. It somehow tells my emotion or mood more effectively than my confusing (?) words.

To those who commented, I thank you.

Have a good night,

aurell4173