some thinkers and tinkers

Damn, I pondered too much about Mycroft. No shit. xD

I don't want to sound like his brother, now, but this is seriously dull. I want to do something else. Pronto.

I said I'll be home for Christmas

I'm taking a break. :) This Christmas, I'm having fun in a way that is pretty much a complete reversal to the kind of fun that I usually have in the other nation-state.

Memory box

This is quite intriguing. Why are there strange stuffs in that small shoe box?

Why did I deem a single shell inside a plastic box so important to keep?

Who sent that Valentine wish message inside that glittering test tube?

Who gave me these keychains?

Did I ever mention my puppies to that person such that he mentioned it in the letter?

Sometimes your past can be as confusing as you future. A little advice: if you wish to be remembered, do send photos and signed cards instead of random gifts. xD

err...

Gosh, how embarrassing!! ><

Who on their right mind would burn a CD-R with wallpapers, songs and a folder full of his own holiday pictures... for a birthday gift to a girlfriend! Marvelous, only second to a second-hand toy bilingual computer, as far as my memory goes.

You were really cute back then. The last time I heard of you, you were terribly bored, being a single bright mind in the community of the averages. I kinda wish that even though you've forgotten all these silliness, your kind heart would still remain. If by a fat chance you haven't forgotten these things completely, and life allows us to meet again - not only passing by each other in a random mall, full of doubts and suspicions that have hindered us from offering even a single greeting before - ...I will blackmail you with this disc. My, my, the things you can find in an air tight safety cabinet.

I'm feeling rather nostalgic. Perhaps it's because of this disc, that photo and those trinkets inside that box.

Ok, back to work.

beside the sun's windmill there is the moon's cradle

A person from light would be interested on a play of shades. A person familiar with the dark would find the dances of little glows fascinating.

Good morning

Man, a display of humans' irrationality so early in the morning...
How thankful I am to have a low blood pressure by default instead of a high one. Yaaaawwwn

And good morning to you too.

Wherever you are

For some unknown reasons, this song sounds really sweet to me. :)
A good friend is coming to town and he's going to give me some songs from this band. Can't wait :D

Quite some Zen

I got a new pot of cactus! (Y) And a new room, so the timing is just nice.

I could care less on why people tend to give me cacti for botanic gifts. Hopefully because they are small, cute, if you have an acquired liking for them, independent and admirably equipped with a decent means of self protection. I like them anyway, so yay still.

On shifting a timeline

Ahh at last.

Maybe I've gone past lamenting my miseries and that's a good thing. When I look at my perpetually playful little dog running around the dusty house I feel challenged. She can be happy, (forever trying to hone her ninja skill to sneak into the bedroom so I can cuddle her) so why can't I?

Thanks to these four years, and to the adorables. I'm really thankful that it happened. Content. I'm glad I could realize the value of something before it's actually over in this case. Frustrated. Well, the sudden low note took me by surprise and I'm still bitter about that. But it also added bits of extra gladness for I was not alone, after all.

On another note, my batch is already planning some outings and I'm really amused. Hee hee~ It'll be fun if this could mean a real blast and now I'm looking forward for my next therapy so I can recover faster and join in the fun. Missing this would be a major stab so yeah, I'm praying hard. The accident really sets my plans back, but still my girl-friends are currently trying to make time to visit and help me reorganize my newly renovated chamber. Oh yes, my house is being renovated and it's become more foreign than ever. On the other hand, I got a chance to redesign my room. There are two sides to everything, after all. The sides are not always even, but they are there. People will be people. Loud people will be loud people. Obnoxious ones will be obnoxious. Oh dear. Oh well.

I've already accepted that I kinda have multiple timelines. When one stops, frozen, the other resumes. What is new, other than the things you could invent by yourself. We just have to keep treasuring our time, whenever, wherever and whatever.

It's time, anyway

For a bunch of people with little sense of normality.

Guys, you are sexist. I've read some of your words over the years and your gratefulness is almost exclusive for your own kin. Fraternity, you are nailing a title of "the bachelors' den" quite finely. No complain, though. You are still adorable, each with his own quirks and a unique way to fulfil the YOLO philosophy.

Girls, I spent less time with you folks comparatively, partly because of the difference in numbers. Still, in an indirect way or another, you have taught me some precious life lessons and I thank you. Ambitious ladies, beautiful each in her own way, sail on and shine.

Sometimes I hope we could share more time together, go for more outings, take more photos, heck, we girls have never had a complete girls' outing, even. But on delusion and consolation, this batch would never truly be -us- had it gone another way. Best wishes and smiles on this last week, before we disperse like particles when the stopper is removed.

Signing off, kakak pertama.
(Ok, stahp. Any more cheese and BJ's lips will shrink)

Come on, don't waste your life.

Make good use of your curiosity. If you could afford to, learn to understand as much as you can. Because there is always a possibility that in some parallel worlds in the fourth dimension, the other version of you is currently facing mortal dangers or crisis with little hope available. In such cases, an off-handed thought, a vague deja-vu or the like, could be the only thing that would allow her to find a way out. And your purpose of life in this version of reality could have been to find that information and transmit it to her through an imaginary field or whatever.

I mean, who knows, right? At the very least, you and I can imagine it when the reality bores the souls out of us and life gets uninteresting.
Or it's just me wanting to play that sequel of 999, Virtue's Last Reward.
Damn, that plot is so appetizing.

Doddle

It's been quite awhile since I took up my digital pen and actually doodled something. This one was not drawn today, but a couple of weeks ago, I think. I was cleaning my folders when I found this staring back at me. The final edited version is already up somewhere (wish you a good luck if you intent to find it) but somewhere in my mind, I thought that these colours are not bad.

So I put it up here. Just for fun.

Now that I have more time (supposedly), I should be able to do more of things like this.

The Fourth Flip

Just caught up with some of the news about this 'war' between a government's institution and students studying in a foreign country.

Students, as intellectual buds, have always played a big role in shaping a country internally, playing the 'people power' factor as the mobilising engines of change. I recall the analysis gained from my history lesson. The first part of nationalism reform was conducted by the intellectual elites studying abroad at that time, with a sense of enlightenment of logic but a high stake considering their aristocratic status. They strove to push the nation forward in a moderate way, but with an obvious hindrance of elite-mass disenchantment, seeing that the mass of that time had little to no access to education. This was the first impact.

The next set of students were the home-grown intellectual elites. Those who could connect more with the situation on ground with less personal stake on themselves considering the outdated aristocratic system. They could afford to be more revolutionary and critical. Combined with the evolving international political environment, this second impact brought independence to nations.

The third impact came from home-grown students in the post-independence era. They could relate with the situation on ground, definitely, with an even less stake on themselves considering that the 'enemy' was an internal one. At the same time, the negative side of the home-grown education system began to show. The little attention put into developing the education system had made the students seemed less and less refined over time. Their intellectual minds were curious, disgruntled by the negative trends happening around them. Yet few could spot the actual problem, and the internal nature of it had made the situation more complicated than what could be pictured by a classic 'Star Wars' movie - heroes vs. evil empire. Hence the incomplete revolution. Hence the start of a ballooning collective confusion.

Then, perhaps this is the fourth impact, a next phase. Here we have a more-or-less changed mass demographic with the advent of technology, and foreign-grown students as the new agents. Those intellectuals are equipped with more proportion of intellectual satisfactions, the insight of objectivity from looking at something from the outside and the critical perspectives many has been longing for. Yet as people of non-aristocratic social structure and globalised environment, their stakes and needs to please the power holder have been reduced significantly. Adding to that is the increasing mass impatience and a couple of ripples that had granted to many, a clearer vision of what they want to see. This entirely new combination had hardly existed before.

Isn't it fascinating?

An obviously unwanted voice

Ok, I've seen enough. Can't bear to view more of them, to be exact. It's haunting. Not disturbing in particular, but - hmm how can I express this with an understandable phrase - ok - are you familiar with the sentence "it's hurt to look back"? Yes, that kind of hurt, that kind of disturbance. It reminds me of my own kind of thoughts back then. Back then when I was producing the content of those four notebooks.

Those four notebooks are currently sitting idly at the corner of my working space. I've been thinking for a while (like, for three and a half years?) if I should burn them. It hurts just to think about what's inside.

As for why I did not answer it specifically..

Because it's my drug and abusers don't proclaim their addictions to the world so openly, unless the listener really cares about it.

On Fear

Of course it is scary. Knowing nothing scares humans. I'm not even sure of the things I actually have. Maybe I've learnt something and obtained some other things after all these years. Maybe I've had nothing to begin with. While people around me are going on with their lives, their struggles, problems and contemplations, perhaps I am the one who has been running on a circular track. Ignorant and childishly oblivious. Vain and obnoxious. Boy, how terrible this nightmarish thought is. So horribly frightening that I could understand why some would avoid to think about it in the first place and end up sinking deeper into the hellhole of an egoist's irrationality.

stop and go

"A lot of reasons to hate the life, but I subjugate them with love in my way - I love the way you are, I love the way you do." ~I'll do it for Love.

Pretty much sum up my primitive line of motivation. By primitive, I mean 'has been effective since invented'. I got the time to elaborate, but nah, I'm hitting the keyboard for a different cause lately.

Oh yeah. Cheers, pink elephants. This day was born to be awesome from the start.

Beautiful

"No matter what, life is so damn beautiful. Everything comes back and it's so cool. - Unexpected things happen but life goes on. - Life is so damn beautiful."
Unexpected - Lotus Juice

That gotta be the coolest lyric I've heard in months.

On Worries

“Guess? Dear, dear the humanly you. You’re young, you have something to desire for, you have the chance, you have me and you don’t want to insult it.”

I love that line.

But coming back to the reality, I really don't have the privilege of being backed up by a megapolis-controlling man. I'm vulnerable to the system, and the rest of my life is seemingly held by the mercy of an examination syndicate.

Of course I have my Faith. Nevertheless, this humanly one couldn't help but to have her humanly worries. Hence I appreciate the kind words and wisdoms of confidence. Time goes on whether one life does too or not. In time like this, to say the truth, what else could we do? An optimist I shall be and catch the good luck in the cyclone hopefully we will. I'll go wherever I'm sent to as decided. My heart takes shelter not under the bliss of ignorance but the shield of the Prince of Peace. As for my naked feet, they walk on.

"But of course, you should watch your tongue. The only person that you could surely hurt with your belittling would be yourself. You may be not what you eat, but human, you have a tendency to take what you believe in as the truth. Then the truth it will be to you."

Knites

Sorry for spamming deviantArt stuffs... but actually I'm quite far from regretful about that.

I'm a fan of Sen. But this scene of Kai is
something that I can relate myself with. Not too mention that
he's an awesome realist with high level of
ground-level awareness.

THIS. I think it's something that could be enjoyed by those who has any concern for the world that we live on today, optimists and pessimists alike. Both idealists and realists may find inspirations and for once, feel connected in the plot. In my opinion, it's a today's generation's hard-boiled story.

All credits goes to yuumei. Not me. (my other name is Yumei but I swear it's something irrelevant to this in any possible way)

1000 Words

This made me cry. Almost.

If I have extra credits to spend, I'd buy the physical book.

The creator, Yuumei, is probably my favorite artist in deviantArt. She's good at drawing and her works are motivational and thoughtful. Additionally, they help me to counter the side effect of some rampant prejudices around here. About dA, it's a wonderful sites where artists, professional and amateurs alike, gather and support each other. Unlike most social media, they have a good culture of respect and mutual support.

Put it back together. Of course.

"By The Way, ...

..what have you done for Him lately?"
~Joyful, Joyful (Sister Act 2)

btw^2, Sister Act's "I will follow Him" was and inspiration that led me to think that 'Love' could really be an universal concept. I mean the song was originally a non-religious love song and look at how the lyric could fit nicely there. xD

On My Room

And so the words reached me that my room is currently being dismantled. Yes, that humble private chamber in which I spent countless hours formulating dreams, works and world revolution. :) I always remember the room as a nice attempt of personification. When I'm not around, they use it as a practical dumping room, so much that it ended up with the capacity to accommodate two-four people nicely as both bedroom and workshop.. to my friends' glee.

There were a wardrobe that I have been using since my birth, a stone desk that had been around probably for seven decades before I was conceived. There were a bed from the year in which they granted me a personal room and a small desk given to me when I entered primary school. There's a wooden vanity five or six decades older than me, from the era when they still made those furniture insanely heavy and sturdy, like an airtight saving box (in fact, I've found some couple of poor cockroaches dried from suffocation before inside its cupboard). In short, a humble time capsule and a miniature wreck of everything.

I've seen its ground cracked (dividing the room almost in half. lousy ceramic placing.). I've seen its sky fell (complete with a nice flash waterfall). It has seen me (and my friends) through the most quirky moment. It has listened to the playlist I've come up with my old stereo every evening. It has kept me company in time of delight and sorrow.

When I get back there, some of it would have changed. Some of it would have stayed, though (I love the airtight cupboard so much). But then again, what doesn't? It would have to witness my post-a-level self too, anyway. So let's continue to get along, alright? And keep being nice to Ami, that perpetually playful companion of mine.

W.I.W.

Because my brain throws a constant tantrum for the lack of quote-worthy Indonesian product.

Huzzah. xDDD

"If you're seeing no value in your life,

...and are prepared to throw it away,

would you mind giving it to me?

I need it for a cause."

Lux in Tenebris

That's what You are. That's what you lot are.

Nap

I had a dream. There was someone I haven't seen in a while there.
It's nice. Since we're never the ones for words or even active efforts to stay in contact,
it's very unlikely that we're going to start any of them soon.
Because even in the dream, we didn't get to talk. xD
So I'll just take it as a form of silent encouragement from a far away place,
the one that I'd never get in the real plane.

At first it arrived on time. Then, late by two weeks, then, two days.
Recently, nothing at all.
Not a problem. Do I look like I care?

calling upon all the underdogs

Because I am so in love with the street's personality that just screams the face of individuality and self-made obligations. In facing the literal need to survive, one could not bother to be fake. And when they succeed, they'd smile widely and brightly. There is no need to mask them with forced humility. I mean, it's a very noble trait - that's why it's kinda eye-cringing to see it so reduced to a cheap make-up tool, moreover so when it's poorly executed.

"I'm not crawling, by the way, I'm rolling and bouncing and pretty much alive and kicking!"

Obviously quoted. See the thread below. xD

Quite a motivating statement, I think. Caffeine drive might play a part in this, but a piece of thought from a friend is definitely nice. Wait. Friend? Well~

Kay, it's on!

Oh the thrill

I just need to walk it.

And this one, I dedicate it to my best friend. My trusted partner in wit and positivity. Seriously, logically, she. should. have. been. here. either with me, or instead of me. Four years, and I'm still blaming her for, indirectly of course, putting me through this roller coaster track made of miracles. A stupid nonchalant chat after an uneventful silat lesson, and all the pranks I've ever pulled on her was paid in full rather suddenly. Fate, if you're there, what on Earth.

Also, to another person that I hold dear, for the unspoken motivation. Probably the purest form of feeling I've ever known so far. You have done nothing (if my memory doesn't fail me. and yes, I'm deeply amused.), yet so much. So very much. If that wasn't a fragment of Love (with capital L, which means something similar to that divine and universal motivation which composes the teaching that founded my Faith. definitely not the butchered version of it adopted by the fast food culture.), I don't know what is.

Also, since I've touched on that holy topic of Love, I might as well mention my thanks to the source of that Love, THE Father. With all the solemnity I can express in a simple web log entry. For blessing me with the meetings with aforementioned persons and for everything. 'Nuff said. Last but not least is literally literal. I don't need to ramble in vanity for This One. He knows already, anyway. x)

With that, I'm retiring for the night. Good night!

"But on your tiny planet, little prince,..

..you had only to move your chair a few steps. You can watch night fall whenever you liked.
“One day,” you said to me, “I watched the sunset forty-three times!”
And a little later you added:
“You know, when one is so sad, one can get to love the sunset.”
“Were you that sad, then, on the day of the forty-three sunsets?”
But the prince made no answer.

Antoine de Saint-Exupery - Le Petit Prince (The Little Prince)

Demands and Expectations and Normalisation

It has become her grief and concern that, well, .....

....

(^^)

ok, let's bring this to the other archive. The one without a need of quotation marks.

I ka lani malama

On a side note, Hawaiian language sounds interesting to learn.

Sempurna

"Janganlah kau tinggalkan diriku.
Takkan mampu kuhadapi semua
Hanya bersamamu ku akan bisa.
Kau adalah darahku, kau adalah jantungku.
Kau adalah hidupku, lengkapi diriku.
Oh sayangku, kau begitu sempurna."
~Sempurna


I almost thought it's a religious song when I first heard of this. When I first sang it, I did it to a salmon dish. Well, love knows no boundaries, they say.

Billions of stories

"...and there are billions of stories out there. Everyone has at least one of themselves, and in each of them, they are their own protagonist, lead character, main character, playable character, ... of course.

Winter Games

Forever my favorite David Foster piece.

Nostalgic. 'nuff said. xD 
The first thing that came up in my mind was... the 30 push-ups in the aftermath. Right, just after the whole show and all! Gotta love the corps.

Fascinating stuffs

It's a small world.

It's a big world.

It's a cramped world.

It's a lonely world.

It's a happy world.

It's a sad world.

It's a boring world.

It's a complicated world.

Such a feat it is to love it still. It's so easy to hate yet it's somewhat adorable.
How wonderful.

On Mindset

"Remember? Back then you said you couldn't go on anymore.
Despite it, you've made it here."
~Lullaby

A tip from the once-shroom-invaded pantry

When you use the 1:1 ratio for honey : lemon, the concoction tastes more acceptable for general public's consumption.

Trivia: For some reason I always write/type "ration" for "ratio". A truly annoying habit when it comes to Chemistry papers.

Cute overdose

The good feeling that creative plays brought into an otherwise mundane day! And you're saying my sense of presentation is not personalised enough, a certain Sir Alexander?
You're picking a fight with the wrong girl.
;)

On Bad Days

Morning rays. Ticking clock. I wonder what's so different. I wonder what stays the same. Maybe I'm getting "mature". My pessimism is staring at me by the bay. Oh, look. Even she's leaving me now.

Have yourself a good morning. I'm rising with a sunken feeling.

a Peeble on The pile

Am I a foolish simpleton now. I'm grateful for every step that I managed to take.

That wasn't a battle...

..that was assisted suicide.

"you are running on reserve battery power"

for goodness sake. am i dealing with a cub here, or is she a bait? now i know that perfect company management is a total myth. look at me, managing a creature with half a mind humans have and she is being some beast that a single hand could not possibly tame!

i took the cub to her afternoon walk. i feed her stories she wished to find, right from her favorite book - the one i gave her. now retire to your sleep, little cub, please. i'll follow you suit after i devour this mess you've made out of a sequence problem. 

signed, a worn out logical drive.

ps: turns out it wasn't a total mess. wow.

Viva top

My cute little brother. My, has he grown a bit more~

It took a whole 6 years journey of a really talented batch to beg for new instruments. It took another two for the buds of achievement to finally grow, one small bud at a time. Compared to the scale of prosperity that school teams and clubs enjoy in Singapore, this family has gone through a lot more.

It's definitely more than simply conform and come to practice regularly. Hundreds of people, exco members or not, has dedicated their skills, time, reputations, (a LOT of) patience and hearts for this band. Majority of them without elegant recognitions to decorate their official records. A lot of them have had to cast aside their doubts about their own tangible gains as they honed their skills with songs passed down from 20-30 years ago without a clear event to look forward to in the club's agenda. For six years.

When you get down to it, it's mere joy that drove them. Imagine starting a couple of notes randomly with your trumpet and having your peers responding to it one by one, until eventually, a complete song would be performed by an entire corps. I was one of them. So was my best friend, and now, my dear brother and cousins.

Congratulation, TOP DBC. I'm so proud of you guys for winning the town's marching band competition. And so are my fellow graduated band mates - saw their tweets yesterday. No matter what happens next, keep the soul alive.
Now then, I wonder where people buy band scores here?

Insipid poison

is found when some people seem to be so full of themselves they fail to notice simple things that they could actually do in order to be the persons they are claiming to be. How this came to be this suffocating for me is definitely personal, but I think even without that, I'd still think it's incredibly sad. People are suffering from things they refuse to see (and in doing so, they make others suffer). It's worse that being lonely because of things that couldn't be found.

In a lighter note, such things give me more and more ideas each day. If you're one of them who knows what I'm rambling about, well, now you know where it comes from. :)

Rejuvenated

Maybe I was forgetting how joyful it is to have fun, travel around, deplete any spare energy and be exhausted afterwards. I had a wonderful day filled with a long walk, laughters, friends, some awesome dessert and a bit of exercise. In short, a really tiring day. Well, I guess rechargeable batteries could last longer if you let it be depleted sometimes before you recharge it back.

And that is what comes after this. A positive reminder that (maybe almost) everything is ephemeral for a mortal life and of course, a good night sleep. Good night!

And when you're feeling lonely

..that's when miracles you never notice would shine through. Love that you thought you've wasted for others will return to you through unexpected channels. In gratefulness we find Him at quiet places.

And remember this. The first miracle is you.

"Because more than often, He shows his love and care through other people, and He trusts you to pass them on to others as well."

On Vanity

"(Upon seeing the circular running tracks) Is this where people are running on? But nobody would get anywhere like this! Oh I see, this facility was built upon such a deep and philosophical human mindset!"

Ora pro nobis peccatoribus

An all time favorite words in prayers and songs. My greatest take away from my choir practice is that I could always have those (however 'imperfect') soprano tunes at bay. Personally, it works wonders in fending off negativities. Music has always been my favorite method to convey wishes and prayers. Far too often, when I close my eyes to pray, the only phrase that I could come up with is a simple and sincere 'thank you' and nothing else.
For that in itself, I'd say thank You.

Me: "(shifting awkwardly) I need some inspiration.."

 

Voice from somewhere unknown: "(giggles) It's coming." :D

when you're weary, feeling small,

"when tears are in your eyes

i will dry them all
i'm on your side when times get rough
and friends just can't be found..

...when you're down and out,
when you're on the street
when evening falls so hard
i'll comfort you

..i'll take your part when darkness come
and pain is all around."

~Bridge over Troubled Water, Simon and Garfunkel

at the very least, you're at peace with me. 

sail on, silver girl. 

(It) means nothing

To a certain someone, who I'm kinda fond of, and, probably, who won't read this anyway.

Where are you?

I.. (sigh) Never mind, just tell me where you are. Signal me. Light a beacon or whatever. Let me know where you are now.

(So I know how far I should run to catch and beat you up.)

I guess I've been walking with my eyes closed (like a blind man), letting myself be guided only by my hearing (mixed, clashing rhythms) and my sense of smell (unrefined wine taster). I guess I've been walking in circles (orbital period), looking out for you (that I couldn't see) and me (that curled up cub in that obscured den), like a sleep walker ('cause when I tried opening my eyes, everything was so blurry and foggy). Maybe it's time to walk the thoughts (and not the talks).  Cause there was no word ever spoken between you and me (and it will always be you and me, never us).

And this is the best and the most beautiful. Two wills on a pair of parallel (or skewed) track, never to meet. Oh, don't get me wrong. Clashes of minds (and wishes and greed) could be wonderful, like a(n) (ephemeral) firework or a (sometimes irreversible) chemical reaction.

(but if we were about to clash, there might be an explosion instead. we'll just destroy each other instead.)

Man!!

...keep calm and carry on. Move along. 

Alpha Wave

is a particular brainwave emitted in the relaxed phase of human's brain. Relaxed awareness is said to be the state when our brain could learn optimally. Alpha brainwave will be reduced with increasing awareness and drowsiness. Thus alpha state is usually experienced just before and after sleep, and during relaxation activities, like meditation and while taking a stress-relaxing, hot shower.

That explains a lot, does it?

Oh, and there are other types of brainwaves, such as Beta (awake state), Delta (sleepy/restful state) and others, but Alpha has always been my favorite. Too bad there is no Omega, though. It's my favorite greek letter. owo

On Transcience

"As the machinery sunk deeper and deeper into the ocean of emptiness habited only by stars, his consciousness started to drop. With a ghost of a smile he plunged it to the stream of the unconsciousness where it belonged. The mechanism, shut down at last. Although he already had a wish, he secretly made another one so that this time, this joy of transience would no longer be an illusion. The beauty of ephemerality. Mortality's narcissism has finally became his at last."

BY NO MEans ALL is NORMAL

..is what I chanted during Math today. Complete with a set of melody (in an 'An Die Freude' style) and some more lines I came up with on the spot. Truly signs of a gone case.
I knew something is not right, up there. Oh boy.

Rainbow

"You come down to me from somewhere
and constantly point out to me
the happiness that could be found nearby."
~Rainbow

I remember being around... 11 or 12? when I first saw this video. Being a mere pre-teen, my mind was blown :) , especially because I've, coincidentally, read about the meaning of the video beforehand. Looking back, perhaps that was the moment that convinced me that it's okay not to be obvious when one is really trying to convey a message, among other things.

Actually, sometimes I wonder.

"Will we be the ones that die in vain, or will we be the ones to manage an extremely radical change?...

...Given the difficulty level and our limits and mortalities, that doesn't seem probable though. Maybe we'll manage to ignite some things..

...and like thousands others, die prematurely while trying, leaving behind tonnes of hope and wishes for the next generations, a high note..

..without ever knowing what they'll make out of them. Like a book that leaves its ending up to anyone's interpretation..

...And so the story will live on, perhaps to be repeated someday. But that would not be our business anymore...

..It's kinda sad. Our optimism has somewhat survived the process of growing up, but would probably be dulled anyway by the next phase, death."

A Mackerel's Inspiration

Me following my impulse to have a mackerel for lunch turns out to be a great decision. The thoughts I came up with! Who knows that contemplating over a mackerel dish could bear fruits so sweet? (laugh)

When you dream of someone dying

...that means at some points of time, you and that someone have loved each others dearly. However, the realm of our unconsciousness does not abide by our timeline linearity. So that moment could be happening anywhere - in the present, the past or the future.

That's what someone random told me a couple of years ago. Which is pretty random indeed. 

Found it.

I've been saying this many, many times both to myself and to others, but it seems that I've just understood the full meaning of it: Open up that mind. Close your mind, and you're the one who'll lose out on things. 

Yes, I'm having my traces of regrets here. I know that the past is the only thing that brings to us today, sure, but well - being human, there are things that you wish you'd do it differently. I'm saying that I've just understood something, but the possibility of re-discovering it in the future is never zero.

I don't know how to break or tunnel through the fifth wall, at least, yet, so I shall just imagine these bits of words could be a wish for my future self, and a faint signal to my past self. "Don't lose sight on that confidence that you love. Always."

Blind-planning a house reconstruction

...is terrible.

My soon-to-be-archi friends, half-a-cent worth of reminder. Sketch.

Firework

"What value left is there
in this world I live in?
I start thinking it's all meaningless
or maybe I'm just tired.

In exchange for something I got,
I gave up a number of precious things
but it's not such a peaceful world
that I can lament each and every one.

What kind of dreams should I envision?
What kind of hopes should I take with me as I go forward?
These seemingly impossible to answer questions
Get buried in my day to day life.

If you were here, I wonder what you would say?
you'd probably say I was being gloomy and have a laugh.
I just wish I could see your gentle smile to blow away my melancholy.

Even if it's a light like fireworks
that can never be caught
one more time, one more time, one more time, one more time
I want to reach out for it.

We all carry sadness with us
but we hope for a better tomorrow
I wonder to what extent we can love a world
gripped by fear, thrown into unrest?

I get choked up on the words cause I think too much
I hate how clumsy I am
Yet when I can act skillfully out of the blue
I hate that even more

Whether we spend the years laughing or crying
time passes the same for all
the future is calling to us
are you, now, hearing it too?

Even though we knew from the start
that we'd eventually have to say goodbye
one more time, one more time, one more time, one more time
and as many times as I can I hope to see you again.

I never imagined that simply meeting you
could make the world seem so beautiful
would you laugh at me for being simple minded?
I want to say thank you to you from my heart.

I wish my heart flowed fast and smooth like water
so that it would not settle in one place.

For all those times when I need to see you
for those times when I'll miss you so
one more time, one more time, one more time, one more time
I want to burn your memory deep in me.

We all have our problems
but we hope for a better tomorrow
I wonder to what extent we can love a world
gripped by fear, thrown into unrest?

one more time, one more time,
one more time, one more time"


Translated from the lyric of "HANABI" by Mr. Children.
....
look at me, fumbling like a child at choosing words to write. :/

It's a cheap trick, but for today I'll let that lyric to say them for me. Usually I'd post a video, but this one is a special case. Relatable lyric is one thing, but finding one that's kinda... too "true" is another. If I were to write a post today, I'd probably write something similar anyway. Think of it as a favorite poem of mine instead.

If anyone's curious, one could easily look up for the song in Youtube. It's a kinda popular song out there. And a good one, too.

Wishing everyone a good night and a better tomorrow.

On Timeline

The previous post was basically (and quite obviously) posted in the wrong log. (laugh) But, oh well. What is a nice sky without some stormy days.

So I was perching at my usual place, sorting things out while trying to cram some chemistry concepts in...

Colours

"...and when the boy opened his grey orbs, he saw an array of colours. So amazed he was, he wondered how he could not notice all this gradients and splashes before, each of them bringing distinct stories for him.

Letters

"Dear you, who is reading this letter, where are you and what are you doing now?
For me who's 15 years old, there are seeds of worries I can't tell anyone.
If it's a letter addressed to my future self, surely I can truly confide in myself.
Now, it seems that I'm about to be defeated and cry.
For someone who's seemingly about to disappear, whose words should I believe in?
...
Dear you, thank you. I have something to tell the 15 years old you.
If you continue asking what and where you should be going,
you'll be able to see the answer."

~"Tegami" - Angela Aki.

Been listening to this song since years ago and still loving it now. And this version makes me missing those choir days  :)

"Have a Good Time"

Yesterday it was my birthday.
I hung one more year on the line.
I should be depressed.
My life's a mess.
But I'm having a good time.

I've been loving and loving and loving.
I'm exhausted from loving so well
I should go to bed.
But a voice in my head says,
"Ah, what the hell."

~Paul Simon

Quoted from the opening line of a Haruki Murakami's anthology - Birthday Stories. :)

On Motivation

Rather than thinking if this is possible or not, I'd rather distract myself with other thoughts. Happy thoughts. Sad thoughts. Smile inducing thoughts. Thoughts that would make me feel like kicking through a wall and running towards something worth pursuing.

I think it's something like...

"I know more than you'd like."
"But no more than I allow."
"Then again, more than you know."

...

Ok can. Play on.

But

I just can't help it. Nobody does. First of all, it makes me feel alive almost like no other.

Hi. It's you. Again.

How I detest it when somebody manages to see through that clouded keyhole, but the definition of truth still won't change in the near future. I may not be a sportswoman in career, but I value integrity.


Stay. There. Wait, no. Never mind. Just go and I'll still wish you all the best anyway.


Why? Because. Because there are so many reasons I don't know where to start, so I'll leave it like that. The one who should know won't bother to know anyway, and others who don't need to know should stay oblivious. 


You... Ah well, you know what, never mind. Words don't work for us. Never have and never will.


Really sorry to betray anyone's expectation, but while I don't mind not winning most of the time, I simply hate to lose to the ones that I don't want to lose to. That's all.

A Little Rant

As I write this post, I'm very, very tempted to insert a link to a really fascinating speech I just read. But of course, "only a solipsist or, what is much the same thing, a narcissist, would think that what he or she had for lunch would be of wider interest; and only those with vacuous minds would be interested." 

Therefore I shall not. 

Instead, maybe I'll just put a piece of my mind from the time when I was reading some notes on a particular global establishment: "This ______ is so great, it's practically grating on my nerve."

Perhaps I'm going slightly mad today. Oh well, good night.

What the hell am I doing at this ungodly hour

Yes. What the hell.
I've been unwell for the past two days and, (oh, hi!) I'm still wide awake now.
Oh the stress.

Exams had come and gone. Reliefs had come. Dreadful realities had come.
*sigh. Life.

Surely, some people will yell at me again for sleeping too late and failing to regulate my life cycle tomorrow.
Definitely, even if I manage to recover from this cold, I will feel damn horrible in the morning because of this perpetual low blood pressure.
And here I am, wondering if tomorrow will really come. (._.)

Really, I have to stop being so unreasonable and get some logic in for the sake of my work.
Good night, world.

Just be Friends

"Yesterday a tranquil night made me realise
It'd be useless to pick up the fallen petals
because it'll never bloom again - it's tiny but already dead on my palms
Our time stopped long ago."
~Just Be Friends


Have I told anyone I actually like casual, catchy and simple R&B? :) Anyway, this is one song that I just found yesterday on Youtube, and I really like it - both the music and the video. The concept is amazing IMO and the lyric is nearly nostalgic. :)

Btw the exams are over and despite a lot of frustrations following them, I'm trying to relax as much as possible. :)

On Refurbishing

I lament over Apple and the incapability of macbook to display songs in an iPod in their original titles in Finder. With (seriously) little time to spare, I can't afford the luxury to browse 7000+ songs just to look for a handful of tunes I need to refresh my playlists. And so here I am, looking at nice tittles from my friend's iPod for inspirations while I'm refurbishing my own collection... :/

"...'cause at some points of time when everything had failed me, those invisible things would be the ones left to count on."

Been there, done that

Moo. <3 

The mid year break has come. So far, I've been enjoying this free lifestyle, where I could play and study and doodle and read and write whenever I want (okay, not exactly whenever when people took me for a walk (XD).. err, hung out. pardon this introvert's rant) 

And guess what, I don't mind studying as long as it's not stressful. Munching on organic chemistry is as fun as memorizing recipes by reading. I admit I haven't been as studious as... the majority of student population here, but I hope this thought could be a start of something that would work. 

On the side note, playing Harvest Moon is kinda therapeutic, especially when you're not being a Ms. Perfect that has to have 5 animals each by the end of first season. My gameplay this time is imperfect, but kinda more enjoyable than the last time I played. 

It's a start. :) 

Good Evening

An annoying money-wasting accident has granted me the reluctance to spent extra bucks for some institutions, thus my room find itself here without air conditioning for the next two weeks. For some reasons, the air feels more like my home country's capital city now, not that I mind.


The warm climate. The night breeze + the one from the ceiling fan. The faint sound of some random cricking bugs outside. The scent of wind and grass. This is a tropical summer night, a quite therapeutical one I might say. It has been a while since I'm sitting at my favorite corner of the room like this. If I may ignore that horrifying shrooms incident now, ...

It's a good evening. :)

On Lately

The thing about lately is that I can't tell anymore whether the headaches are because of me recovering from that freaking anesthesia or getting stressed from over thinking. ._.

Time and brain juice are limited, but problems aren't. Now get up and (re)start your engine.

epic BPL finale

One word: epic.
As much as I'm grieving over ManU (must. not. angst. argh. OTL), I applause ManCity for their well-deserved win.

On a much much personal note, how I wish I was -there- now...

Pieces

"Pieces of me, fly reassuringly. Never turn back and cross that ocean."

an sms to Fate, a friend of mine

YES, I am writing about a person with a bloody sorry excuse for a luck.

NO, I am not asking for a first hand experience.

"What doesn't kill you will make you stronger", maybe, but there is hardly an urgent need for me to become a superman. Please correct your perception and be more considerate next time.

Thank you very much. See you again.

reflection

"...there was a small girl, quiet and confused, torn between being amazed and trying to comprehend her surroundings both inward and outward."

fast forward for undisclosed time period, and i still have no freaking idea what was it that she couldn't understand.

maybe one of the main reason for why i am still climbing up is simply to get what she was trying to understand, but that will also continue to climb up on 'its' own, at 'its' own pace', in 'its' own orbital which clashes less and less frequently over time.
nevertheless, this motivation works for me so far, and so i'll go on, carry on, climb on.

hell no reason go on and scream

"And stay strong; I'm doing everything."

~Details in the Fabric - Jason Mraz & James Morrison

On some ways of doing some things

"Actually, I know the answer. I can feel it, you know? When I think about it, my heart would beat faster and my blood would stir. It's just that I don't want to admit it, because that would give me another similarity. I refuse to acknowledge it, even though it's actually heartwarming, somewhat. We're too similar it's creepy. But it's warm too, so I don't really mind it, and I'm the only one who realises that anyway. But still."

edit: alter-ego.. (laugh) that's only half of the truth. :)

On studying

After thinking it over...

"Why not? What is so bad about eating those books and making it another routine? Just like how I like to play games, aren't they just another set of puzzle to solve? Different? How, and what are the differences? You see, this is just another activity, and you can do it in classes and public without being shameful about it; it's something that people think you should do; but then again I don't really care. Really, why are you even questioning it?"

...sometimes, my pessimism creature can be sooo wise. And practical. And honest. Thanks, you who "implanted" it in the first place. :) 

that moment

..when things seem to be bleak, incomprehensible, bizarre and a bit lonely,
you are in the verge of giving up and start tuning yourself out of the normal frequency,

and then you suddenly notice that there are actually a lot of people, here and there, who had been offering help, willing to spend time or at least to donate a smile to brighten your days, just like that.

God's divine love flows from almost every directions, never fail to find its way to those who need it (practically everyone). I simply have to believe and be open minded.

Yet another incomprehensible part of Life - that's why I'd say it's so wonder-ful.

yet another bizarre dream

She rode in the cab in silence, camera in hand, alone. Of course, she had asked her friends and practically everyone she knew to come with her. After all, this was supposed to be an important event - it was the night in which "The Clock" would finally be completed, and that would mark the beginning of a new 'era'. But they were all unavailable - busy dealing with their tasks, their agendas and their lives. On the way, she noticed how the blue moon lit that oddly gigantic structure from afar, and how the bright blue light was shifting... forms(?). Curiously, she held up her camera and took a few pictures from behind the car's window.

On silence and reflections

I adore silence. Most of my really-treasured moments are actually certain memorable periods of silences, even those including other people in it.

On a friend

One of the most intriguing personalities I have met is of one of my best buddies. Meet my "Friend".

"I agree to a very large extent that she has Acute KYUTEHness Syndrome."

i need time

I need some time to think some things really, really throughly. I refuse to make anymore hasty decisions. I... could really use some time out now, like a real time out.

"Yes, time out. Even from walking." 

Ok, not that kind of time out. CTs are coming and there are a lot of things to be done. No, actually there ARE a lot of things I want to do. The 'time out' that I want is... something else.

clenched fist

"..run and run.. the warmth and kindness felt so foreign they were freaky." ~K.

Honestly, I don't know what I am doing here while I should be doing my Chemistry assignment (which is actually fun). I simply feel like making some sentences. This is the extent I'm missing my free writing time.

Let's see.. these past months, I've been through hell and back. Not literally, of course. Honestly, some emotional things could just be traumatizing and horrible. And having friends, even as close as family, best friends and boyfriend does not guarantee that someone would always be there at those moments. Some things you just have to face by yourself. And your cry-muffling pillow. And (thankfully) your faith.

And some more health problems and worries. To take it positively, one would surely become stronger after going through them.

I'm settling down, and strangely, I'm feeling rather content lately. When you could calm yourself down and think clearly, you would see things you weren't able to see before in the midst of people and their conflicting ideologies. Then you would be able to notice, that some things that are taken as norms to many could be simply less important to you, while some things and values underrated by people could be things that are actually precious to you. That, I think, is the gist of individuality, of the freedom of expression which is acknowledged as a human right nowadays.

There is this paradoxical habit among people; nowadays they worship individuality and uniqueness, yet they often mock others. Sure, poking fun of fellows can be amusing sometimes, but to make it a primary choice of conversation.. sometimes I wonder if some people couldn't really find a better topic to talk about. You see, there is a difference between creative jokes and verbal bullying, between having a personal insight and being a close minded kid.

Oh well, I got my own (big) share of social disabilities anyway.