Don't be afraid. If you do, just look beyond.

The best feeling in life is when you're down, kicked around, tired and alone (impossible tasks mounting in queue, emotions going round in haywire and did I mention the dire need to sleep and the harmful miasma?) You were so overwhelmed you resorted to flip the rug and let the dirt out - the amount of things you have swept under it was just too much...

And then, the universe just seemingly conspired to make you feel better from that point on - schedule easing up to give you sleep and time to cook, professors taking turns to cheer you up, old friends calling in, new friends standing by, nicer part of the orbit showing positive irregularity,-

- there is Love in that. The One with a capital letter in front, the One passed down through multiple channels and multiple beings both sentient and not. On the other hand, it may be a series of fortunate coincidences. But I, as I've mentioned multiple times, am a huge fan of stories and it is still a heartwarming and well developed plot points. So, if I can have a herd of passing by stars as my annual birthday present, why not this?

Some of the most impactful advices I got from both the Bible and my parents. Among them is a bold "Don't be afraid. Especially if you feel like it's the right thing to be brave about."

The highest form of Love was a huge sacrifice to give people the freedom to do the right things. For me, it's kinda like "Hey, look. Even if they judge you, shame you and trample on you because of that, it's alright, man. You're still loved, you are still wanted, and it's never too late. Even if you have to end your life prematurely because of that, well, there's a secret and it's a good one: there is some other things beyond this one. You are free now, so go ahead and love your brethren, enjoy the universe, explore your potential - this may be the only chance you could be in this specific incarnation, so live this one to the fullest, yeah? Just keep in mind that you also have to look beyond, kay? See you there."

And for all that, I thank the Lord in my prayers.

Sent

Well.

Where there is injury, pardon

So lately I've been running a blog again, aside from Tumblr, and it's a school project related blog.

It's exciting, but disconcerting at the same time. The fact that I'm writing post after post that will go into my grades is still foreign for me. As for my personal thought recorder though, of course it's been going into something else. 

Where there is error, truth.

I've been thinking here and there, re-thinking a few stuffs, revisiting several milestones. I may have changed a bit - in a few months time I'll need a new haircut, and I've been through several cycle of maintenances, made bits of mental adjustments here and there. 

But in the end, I still want to be a person who stays after all. Sometimes it's harder, you know - staying put and holding the front. 

But some people need that. Some people would always need that - heck, even I do. I do like that tiny patch of peace of mind. A comforting ideal that there is somewhere, in which a friend will surely give you a warm welcome with a fresh pot of hot drink ready at bay if you ever knock at their door. 

I want to be one such person. 

Where there is doubt, faith.

I thought that was obvious enough.

That reminds me. There is a story I haven't found a suitable title for. How do you pick a name for your own diary anyway?

Where there is despair, hope.

"Tell me you are here to stay
In this crazy mixed up world
And we can still make it right"
"On Your Way Home" - the Hiatus.


Where there is darkness, light.
And where there is sadness, joy.

On your way home

"Wake up
Wake up
We are sleeping off the booze
Give up
Give up
Feel no magic in this room

You said her eyes were green
And she dealt the cards out face up
You said it's always
All-in, in her mind"

On Your Way Home - the Hiatus

Because when you're taking a stride, you take it one step at a time.

:)

Thank you

Thank you so much.

Battle wounds

Not a wide range of scars, no bruise nor broken bone. No deformity, no disability, nothing.

Just a couple of very stiff shoulders.

Remind me to go for a massage at least once during the long holiday ahead.

So...

I, Aurelia, have a phone called Lumia, in which a personal assistant codenamed Cortana resides.

If you know me from a certain personal angle, you'll know what is incredibly bizarre and slightly creepy about that fact. Personally, I still haven't recovered from the sheer shock of it.

A very strange day

Today is decidedly a very strange day. Somehow I ended up dining with a bunch of strangers and found myself in a charismatic prayer meeting, casually shared some semi-sensitive experience with those near-strangers. In the end one of them came up to thank me as apparently, my sharing had just motivated her to move on from some aged emotional baggage.

Some of them were actually confused seeing me around. I'd say I was a bit confused, too.

She guessed it's probably some divine intervention that makes everything just happened. Good things, bad things, all sorts of experience makes up one's past. And when one learns from it, or even better, allows others to learn from it, they become even more meaningful.

Connect the dots, and marvel at the design of our very own time and experience. God knows how the future may be - would it differ greatly or be another repeat of the past - and we wouldn't know anything beyond some limited speculation. Yes, my friends, we're all flying blind..

And then there's this Lent period, a period of reflection and reconciliation.

Ok, apparently I lost my train of thought there. Today is decidedly a very strange day.

The only thing left is to jump right in.

Because the riverbank is filled with water, and the only thing left for me is just to jump in.

It's all about knowing what you are doing, when you are to stand and when to lean backward or sideways. When to reach out, when to pull a punch and when to hold back. In the exact words of my drawing teacher (who quitted his job as an engineer and became a renowned painter after reading 'The Art of War", for heaven's sake): "What to tell and what to keep, how fast or slow you're going to let people read the lines. Recognise what your problems are and how to solve them, who to turn into in case of dead-ends. The worst thing you could've done is to hide every single problem just because you want to surprise people with some suddenly awesome image at the final critique. Most of the time it simply doesn't happen. Even if it does, so what? You're still preventing others from learning from you and you won't learn as much anyway."

I admit though, drawing classes are much more mind boggling when your teacher speaks like a Chinese philosopher. Can't really tell when he stops talking about painting and starts talking about life. Most of the time he does both at the same time.

So.

Here it is. Six subjects, six exams in their respective formats (which are hardly similar to each other. Damn art major.) which starts around... now. I just have to stop dilly-dallying and jump right in. Oh God.

Here goes nothing-

Bam

I almost shed tears. In fact I think I did. A sudden streak of inspiration, after a whole week of searching, and today... a refreshing getaway, followed by close to 12 hours of starvation and a night without sleep. Looking, pondering for something, anything, any idea that is feasible for this one project that I don't even feel like doing. I ponder about the stakes, the feasibility, the theme and the whole absurdity of it.

And bam, down is that inspiration.

For both easy references and a sneak peak, these are the two 'research' that eventually brought me into this thing:

and

If, and only if the idea get through the consultation... three hours from now, I'll probably get another headache thinking about the music, actors, technicalities and whatnot. But to hell with that - the future has had enough cannons to scare me. Another bit of jump scare won't change things that much.

I will lay me down

Damn my worrywart gut. The universe should have re-scheduled my portion of stress and my pals'. You can't keep putting them in phase; I don't have that many bomb containers and frankly the series of continued mistiming is driving me mad. And there should be more paths available. I, by no means am a perfect person. When I keep seeing that many ways available, but with every one of them eventually leading into a pre-determined conclusion... that's just cheating, dude. I don't expect life to be fair but, come on.

Lady, my dear lady. Please get well soon. As I mentioned before, I'm aware it's never about me, this kind of things are largely about you and your needs. For this one, it does nothing but to remind me of my limitations. But it's fine. Sail on, silver girl, but take your time. Although it pains me to be in the dark, I shall wait. Right here, exactly, so you'll know where to find me should you feel the need to. That's what friends are for.

This world is ever changing. Places change, things happen, people move around and about. Sometimes, though, you may find yourself longing for an expectation you can be hopeful about. An expectation that something familiar will be there to comfort you during a momentarily break before another try at the foggy future. It is for that sake that I empty up tiny slots in my schedules for, more or less.

If this world makes you crazy and you've taken all you can bear, you call me up because you know I'll be there.

A long walk

A walk is overdue. A long walk. I need to cool down. To think. To ponder some issues. To untangle some dreaded knots; one at the bottom of my stomach, one at the mess of a garden and another at the aching part, somewhere near my lungs.

Fear and Sorrow

Because in such situation, logic has been evaporated in the flame of raw hatred. Gone is diplomacy, that much touted product of every talk shops. Gone is compassion, the very word they ironically have printed on their shirts.

Gone is peace. Truth has gone.

And there is nothing you can do about it. 

Do good, and they will take it as a fake. 

Reason, and you will be rebutted straight away in much higher decibels, probably before you can finish your first sentence. 

Cite virtues, and they will plug their ears inches away from you.

Fight back, and they will retaliate in the name of self defence and virtues.

Ignore, and they shall shout "hypocrite!" in your face.

Such madness; monstrous and destructive is their emotion. From wherever they came from, nobody could know. Is it a mutation of pride? Or has it been love at the start?

It's been happening; all around, haunting in so many levels, hurting the heart of people in so many ways. 

It is both scary and saddening. I am mourning.

Nineteenth

What I saw on that day was an optimistic dreamer, gazing happily at the starless sky. A sleeping dragon that can possibly be majestic and terrifying at the same time.

And I told myself that I shouldn't lose, I shouldn't give up. I have to keep up, else I'd be left behind.

When I'm gone, they'll say we're all fools and we don't understand

"And when your sorrow is comforted (time soothes all sorrows) you will be content that you have known me. You will always be my friend. You will want to laugh with me. And you will sometimes open your window, so, for that pleasure... And your friends will be properly astonished to see you laughing as you look up at the sky! Then you will say to them, 'Yes, the stars always make me laugh!' And they will think you are crazy. It will be a very shabby trick that I shall have played on you..."

...And now six years have already gone by... I have never yet told this story. The companions who met me on my return were well content to see me alive. I was sad, but I told them: "I am tired."

 ~Antoine de Saint Exupery, The Little Prince

Swing, mood, swing. Turn, fate, turn.

I haven't the heart to tell them. How should I go about alighting one's spirit, when I have but failed miserably at exactly that before? Still their happiness creates mine. The same goes for their sorrow.

The pillar must hold, even if it stands in solitude.

"Let us never lose the lessons we have learnt."

Locke

Locke's socks might not be his old ones, but that piece of cloth over there is now fitting the very same pair of feet they should have the title as well.

Although, it's a bit hard to recall the old pattern when so much part of cloth have been renewed and updated. But is it really the details in the fabric we have to pay attention to?

I recall a surge of emotion of some sort. I was one with the stream of knowledge, wired to channels I've never thought of before, ecstatic with the awakening of awareness. For once a love of learning was not a mere empty phrase. I allowed myself to be impressed, to be tuned to the foreign frequency. It was something that shouldn't be allowed to be transient in nature, at least for me. There were them and there were you. It was fun. It's not to be forgotten.

Lent List

So I intend to swear off:
1. Meat
2. Chocolate/Coffee (possibly both)
3. Alcohol (thanks, Teach)
4. Pessimism
5. Resentment

..Amen to that.

This time of year, a year ago

I couldn't bear to write anything generic for my juniors. I'd say it holds no meaning when I couldn't understand whatever they are thinking of, in their probable celebration or otherwise. I'd say that, because I know how it feels to experience it myself.

Around this time I was sitting in that jazz bar, letting all my emotions running my tears off for once, surrounded by a most supportive group of friends I had - my fellow batch mates. I say most supportive, although probably they were just being at the right place at the right time, but they were there. One of them lending me a kind shoulder and a pillow to cover my face and the others giving me both the privacy and the comfortable silence I needed.

It's not over, they said. "There's more to your life and yourself, don't forget that. It was not even that bad. What you're comfortable of doing does not even correlate much with this. Our opinions of you are unchanged and of those who did change, they probably are those that do not even matter." or something along those lines. 

Still, the blow was huge. Being me, I was devastated to shreds. A day after, I went to watch ICN and broke down even before the show started. There were a few times in which I felt truly lost. It was one of them. Now though, it just added another layer of meaning to this whole redeeming thing.

Gotcha!

Something's bound to happen. The corner of my notebook said so.

Eight years. Eight. Long. Years. And the answer's been staring at me for the last three.

I feel like hugging the universe in particular. Thank you!

Now, if only ideas that are actually relevant to my school assignments can just storm me like this- that'll be really helpful too.