counterpart - 2

"Are you a somebody, or are you a nobody?"

Something did clicked, and suddenly, everything became clear. It was as if I 'd remembered something. But clearly, I forgot nothing in the first place.

Welcome back. A bit early than usual. Did things finally work out? Today, there was 11.11.11.11.11.11. Just saying. There was a lot of things that happened as time went on, yet I know that there is no need to list them one by one.

the dark sky. the silence. the road beside the coast. a long road to go. at that time, my dream was fulfilled, and so time stopped. it resumed at times, though. maybe that's why it feels like such a long dream.

It sure feels nostalgic. Like... a memory. It's that a reason for this dizziness? Because the sleep was a bit too long it feels weird to move around again.

it feels more normal now, though. back then it didn't feel quite right, but now it's like being enlightened. refreshing, somewhat. now it makes much more sense.

"Maybe the somebody has become a nobody...?"

Well. Perhaps. :)

Thank goodness...

There is happiness. There is sadness. Prayers. Reliefs. Hugs. We have fought together and now we (mostly) have survived. It's far from perfect and yes, disappointments abound.. as well as strips of worries. But we'll manage it, together. 


Encouragements, smiles and pats. More than the results, I'm happy that I live here, with these people.. and I would be seeing (most of) these comrades around next year too. For that I am thankful. Honestly.

On dreaming (part II)

"If I were told to stop dreaming, I'd rather die."

Even though it's just hypothetical speech, I feel.. I don't know. Maybe. Probably. Reality is not that bad, yes. But there is this... feeling.. that something is incomplete. I wonder what it is. It just exists. It makes me bored of all this mundane tasks. Life is less amusing when you got all of it down in checklists and written schedules.

I like dreaming, be it daydreaming, imagining things or night time dreaming, which are more unpredictable, usually. I like dreaming about things that are not real. I avoid 'what if's just as much as I avoid looking back at choices that I sometimes regret. Things like that would only throw me into depressions. Lately, I have been getting enough of those that I don't bother asking for more.

I enjoy the worlds in my dreams. The worlds that both me and my subconscious mind build together. They are certainly not paradises, but it's just nice to recall them. Nicer than watching movies, which just does not... resonate... with me, most of the time. I go into journeys. Exploration of possibilities. Of ideas. Of theories. Of simulations. Of mazes of relationships.

Sometimes my trips are so enjoyable that I don't want to forget them. Just like a tourist taking pictures of the places they visit and musicians describing waves of feelings with melodies, I penned/typed them down, first in my mind, and sometimes in my laptop. Within those words, I exist. Those are the evidence of my life, of my thoughts, of my feelings, hopes, despairs and time. There are people that I have seen, physically and mentally. It is not even rare to find pieces of myself at a point of time inside them. Those are practically my mind scape.

And the euphoria. Goodness. It is just ecstatic to look back through those things. I am not only seeing the black words on white screen. There are moving pictures as vivid as a HD movie. There are feelings that I remember myself be overwhelmed with at some points of time. There are thoughts that keeping me sane during waking hours.

Everything else doesn't really matter. This is my life. It never make much sense anyway.

:)

JOY JOY JOY JOY...

JOOYY JOOYYY JOYYYYY!!!!!!!

*histeric*

What's this

I'm lost again. Talk about resilience, maybe it's time for me to develop some. :/

Nevertheless, this is making less and less sense. Running for something you desire is easier than looking for something to be desired. Even so, I really wonder why some people would not even try.. Then again maybe it is not so different from me. The lump of worries is coming back at such an ungracious moment. Goodness.

On a slightly more realistic note, I found my hand is getting a bruise after a few light pounding. ..time to resume some physical trainings I guess.

Mimpi Rumah Ketujuh

In general, I don't have any particular hatred towards girls. Really, I don't, and not only because I am a girl myself.

But being a human (with this fast-shifting teenage-aged mood even), yes, I got my pet peeves, and several of them do related to what I call typical girls' behaviours.

Girls. I always relates most of them to cats. Most of them talk in this meow-y tone, screechy and squeal-y most of the time, but they can also be dead-flat or even mumbling when they got nothing to ask about. Their movements can be overly.. jumpy at times and menacing in other occasions, depending solely on their personal feelings and needs. That is saying something, obviously, even more coherently than whatever sugary stuffs they are saying physically. Of course, that's quite natural in humans. But at some points where patience capabilities are not optimal, well, I'd say those are quite some mood dumper indeed.

For a disclaimer, I'm not a full throttled cat-haters. As a matter of fact, they are cute in general. It's just that I prefer something else than that regarding stereotypical attitudes. :)

(Random plants in front of random house, taken on Linden Drive, Singapore)

Girls and their competitive nature. This picture above was taken to illustrate my assertion on this. In my opinion, most girls are like those bunches of flowers. They strives to be 'different', to be perceived as unique, special, 'cool outcast', 'tragic heroine', pretty, admirable, a Cinderella. For that purpose, they would go a long, long way to establish their images in front of the society. They would smile as wide as they can, pose as 'cute' as they can be, in front of cameras, regardless of how they bring themselves up in their everyday's lives. They would display beautiful and romantic quotes on their public spaces, their dream boys/figures/things/fairy tales, regardless of how often they bring those up in real conversations, regardless of what they say about themselves in front of others.

To link these up with my previous post, I would say that maybe, it is the society and modern cultures that shapes these kind of contrasting personalities out of some altered form of siege mentality. Nah, I don't have much against them in general, partly because I am also, in fact, a girl. Maybe at some points I had also conducted myself similar to those attitudes that I am cynical about.

As an end notes, if you're an Indonesian stumbled upon this post, maybe you would care to look up for the song whose title I adopted as this post title. It's an old song by Indra Lesmana, and its lyric is quite a thing I can relate to regarding this issue.

On growing up

"A woman never run away,

A woman never hide away,

in order to survive."

Those lines were taken from a J-Pop song, Real Me. It was one of the first Japanese songs that I've ever heard, the first ones that left the pre-teen me wondering and pondering.

What does it mean to become a female? Surely it's beyond having different physical structures and abilities than males. If you're a girl in this male-dominated society, you have to gain awareness of certain things; different kind of treatments that people would give you, your biological baggages and your vulnerabilities - both physical and emotional.

Gender discrimination still exist in this society; that is a given fact. Yes, compared to the previous era, our species has relatively become more female-friendly. But to say that sexism has become extinct is a blatant lie. This topic has been discussed a lot in media and GP lessons. I think I don't have to elaborate further.

And then there are the inherent vulnerabilities that females have to bear like some destinies. We are relatively physically weaker than males, yet young females have this responsibility to protect ourselves and our virginity. Despite the increasing liberalism trend that reduce the emphasis on it, it is still something important to be defended for those who still retains their traditional values and virtues. This is more evidently relevant to those living in more conformed societies, Asian societies for example.

In my opinion, to be a woman would be to be prepared for such disadvantaging things in our life to come. I don't think all feminists are fighting for a sole selfish reason to justify wrong behaviours. Some of them, along with other 'non-feminist' females, are simply trying to survive this world.

"A woman never show her fears,

A woman never show her tears,

in order to survive."

Females are generally more sensitive to emotions. Scientific evidences aside, I guess even I can relate myself with this. At times it does bug me to see hyper-sensitive girls - those who shout hysterically at slightest movements in the dark, or those who become upset easily. But then, who am I to truly judge people one-sidedly? I am also a girl who, at times, could also suffer from a random fit of emotions and reactions, or instinctive demands for attentions.

And of course, this world isn't made from sugar houses and pixie dusts. To be a woman for me is to be strong and dependable. It's a fight, a struggle not to yield to myself.

"A woman could be dangerous,

A woman could be generous,

in order to survive."

Being a female is quite hard, really. All these constant struggles can also be related to almost every other females, I think. Modern women are guerilla fighters to some extent; we are constantly battling those internal "enemies", while at the same dealing with the ever present external pressures. I am of an opinion that this has resulted in the implantation of some form of siege mentality and in today's women's minds as the base of their competitive nature. To some extent, this makes me somewhat wary of females.. but not to the extreme of course. I understand that those attitudes females have come to adopt are somewhat a necessity at times. Well, I'm a female too, anyway.

"A woman could be having fun,

A woman could be like a nun,

in order to survive."

Flexibility. I think this is one of those life skills that can be quite handy. Call it a self-justification of my indecisive tendencies, but I believe that it is beneficial to be true to yourself. I am an individual of wide preferences, I think. I'm fine with a lot of things, from being practical to dress up 'as a girl', from adopting polite manner of speech to uttering some curses jokingly. To some extent, I think it would better equip me in this struggle also. Not only to better adapt to wider range of personalities, mind you, but also to give some choices for myself especially when I need some time out.

..in order to survive.

On dreaming

So I found this soundtrack from my favorite movie back then in middle school. Oh the memories. School work had never been my focus even then. Beside the demand for normalcy and friends, it was part of what made me willing to go to school: my first and most loved band, TOP DBC.

For the very first time of my life, I learnt a lot of priceless things among them were discipline, commitments, comradeship and how to enjoy music. No, I'm not a music prodigy, and no, it's not about throwing expectations of geniuses for everyone. It was simply about simple activities in practicing tunes and moves we like, doing routines to force-knock some basic sense of rhythm and marching techniques, getting together to come up with a mutual interpretation of the melodies, being high on stage and doing push-ups to kick any lingering post-performance regrets afterwards. At that time, I was kinda determined to dedicate myself to that extra-curriculum club for the rest of my schooling days and to try bringing that corp a few step closer to the nationals.

Skip a few years, now I realise how easy it is for humans to lose sight of a dream.

On doubt

"Are you okay?"

Oh, I don't know. So many things are happening at once. The moment I think about it, the flood gate would just break. The things I have to do. The things that I have in mind. The things that need to be done. And, oh goodness, the priorities of those people. The last thing I want would be to distract them.

"Can you do it?"

...must you ask?

"I can help taking over. We need to get things done for ourselves also, frankly speaking."

Is this the best thing we can do? Incapability. Guilt. Worries. Just how much can one take? I do not think I was this weak before. Still, I am supposed to be more.. optimistic than this. How much can I b..

"Cut the long speech. We've got to believe in something, I get it. We're never enemies, you know. Just give me the order and go to sleep already."

Impressively unmovable, aren't you? Well, get those things done and perhaps, do them nicely.

"Affirmative. I wish you a good rest."

If you were me..

maybe you'd raise a head, look forward, shrug a pair of shoulders and walk through.

...yeah, that would be something you would really do, I guess. Honestly, I can really imagine you doing just that.

I guess I can run faster and be stronger than dunno-what-kind-of-pulp that is me right now..

arbitrary piece

The spinning sky. The bright ray shining through. The gust of wind. The spinning vision.

Then, silence...

before everything suddenly flashed oh-so-briefly.

"Here's the k..."

"Run. Now!"

"..they're still.."

"Hey, where d'you wa.."

"Ahh, I'm bo.."

"..see what I can.."

"Hahaha! You shouldn't.."

"Listen. You.."

"Move out!"

"Why.."

"Please! I.."

"..hereby.."

"Whaaat!?"

"..in the red.. again."

"..is your priority!"

"Calling for.."

"ey, wait.."

"AAAAaa..."

"..ry, but who.."

"DAMN IT!!"

"..ase, stay.."

"Pens down!"

"No, wait!! It's.."

"You.."

"DON'T!"

"..let go!"

"..on't unders.."

"..s my.."

"Over here!"

"..nononono.."

"..wonder?"

"..ring it!"

"..kh!"

"...."

"But why.. why.."

"Why are we living in a world like this?"

There it is. The shadow you were chasing.

Floor it. Sprint as fast as you can..

The gap is narrowing itself down. The huge door is closing.

The figure turns around. A pair of orbs that you waited so long to see..

And the door is closed.

Something to remember.

Last night was fun-tastic. What else can I say? A successful event that we pulled off after several vigorous rehearsals and even longer planning, a duty which I enjoyed tremendously, all those screams and cheers and laughters and nail paintings and high-fives and bounces and photos and hugs - basically frantic joys obscured from the audiences' point-of-views, a relaxing (yes I'm not kidding) observations during the dance floor, and the unbelievable after-party that lasted nearly as long as the event itself. It was an escapist's paradise - a night out of routines that would become a lasting memory.

However, the sun had risen once more. It's time to be back in reality. In fact, reality had hit me during the night itself, but for once, I chose not to mind it. But now.. okay. It's real. It's reality.

Confusion. Progression. Regression. Well, I have heard some advices and opinions. I like some of them, I admit. However, where I would step next is still.. unclear. "Never mind me." Yes, I've even incorporated that simplifying concept that would boost my decision-making progress most of the time, but still..

And that brought me to a step back I've involuntarily taken in this progress of self-consolidation. No, I'm not masochistic. But you see, one's opinion toward oneself is one the most subjective opinions that one would ever got, not to mention there is a high chance that it is tainted with biases; that is a given fact. Therefore, in times when fast decision making must be endured, that is one kind of opinions I would ignore faster. Full of loopholes, the rationale is, I admit. But so far, it serves its function quite well - to avoid conflicts. Yes, I know that; in fact I'm trying to better it and that is actually one of the main focuses in this process.

Keep yourself alive and stop over-thinking things? I wish I know how.

Tasteless

An evocative dream. A deja vu the day after.

A thin layer of bright yet calm ice on the surface. A rage of whirlpool and tides below.

A distracted focus. A bottom line on which everything would be pulled down if vigilance is ever dropped.

A shadow to hide under. A freedom that I dare not to touch.

A ball of frustration. A layer of sadness that fill the gaps as well. Above them, a lingering pang of cancerous worry.

Still, I don't think it's my turn to sigh, let alone rest. Yet.

I like playing with words

depends on the interpretation, even simple words can make a conversation.. obscured.

It's like drawing. Or taking pictures. Or listening to songs.

You can paint with bright and vivid colours, but the drawing can still depict a tragedy. You can take a picture of flowers and sky, but the photo can still represent loneliness. You can humming a cheerful tune, but the lyric can still be expressing pain and desperation.

But the thing with arts is, not everyone would notice it. It's not even close to surprising if no one would notice the subtle hints hidden between the lines, in the slight change of hue or inside the poetic "nonsense".

When applied to daily use of words, I think, to some extent, that is how one would filter listeners or readers based on how much care and thoughts they put in processing one's words. Indeed, they can talk about the skills of language. But still I think that the arts is just out of that kind of worlds. Educated people can have all the certs to boast, but there is no denying the emptiness of feelings.

I haven't even mentioned about the manipulations of expressions, you see. Communication is as different to interaction as seeing to observing, talking to speaking and hearing to listening.

Time is teaching me

..on how to set up an "interesting" timeline of events.

And anyone who assumes I like it would get a black eye. Free of charge.

Up until now, I felt nothing

but when the wolf decided to leap off the cliff, there's no helping it.

A bit late, maybe. It feels like I've failed to do something I can't even remember. These past days just passed by like nothing's happening. Time goes on whether I am alive or the otherwise.

In the end, I am just a fool. A fool who doesn't know her place, who allows herself to be blinded by the imaginary lights of virtues, but in reality, is as vain as sands inside a few nightmares.

I allowed the future to chase me while the past was still rushing forward to tangle me. Maybe I was being a bit arrogant. I thought I could stand them. I thought I could think, at least a bit more than before. Turns out, I am weaker than I thought. When I peeked inside, everything was in the wrong place. Simply pathetic.

Sigh... it's humiliating to be weak.

Lethargy was killing me and boredom was choking me

I needed to do something, other than studying. Simply put, I was bored. I used to like this window sill. Well, I still do, but it's just that I wasn't built with a lasting standby mode. I wanted to do something. Sports, maybe. But well, I perfectly knew I wasn't in the condition to do so.

Then I saw the door slowly creaked open by itself. I didn't see anybody opening it though, but I never forget to look down. And there she was, wiggling her furry small body in was my pet dog and sole companion.

Did you feel the same thing as I did, little one? <3

not feeling good..

erased like a one-fifth of my question marks.

shut half of the door.

walked away.

closed my eyes.

yet the dizziness still persisted. :/

Sometimes I don't get it myself. It's like burying a gaping hole that would just suck everything like a black hole out there. Well, at some points its convenient - to dump things like excess feelings and other things I fear - but yet it's confusing still. How should I stitch it? How big of a cloth to cover it? What is the shape of a puzzle piece to fit it?

lastly, what am I rambling about in the first place?

Complacency

I've been observing myself for these few days.

Small gestures that I made, spontaneous thoughts that I came up with, my living patterns, my reactions, basically the same basic observation points.

It's not like I haven't been aware of it. Instead, it's almost like a foresight.

Is it a good thing that I am like this? Or is it bad? Am I really heading towards something that I can be excited about or just another nothingness to distract this restless mind? This thing called 'self-esteem' and 'identity', just what are they, really?

"We never know the future." "Every steps, whichever memories they are carrying, are just steps and nothing more." Again, words of 'wisdom' that are more like facts to urge me to take it easy and simply don't mind about this kind of things, moreover so if this would just concern myself and nobody else. Simply unimportant, isn't it? The more I think of it, the more question marks I would end up having. Utterly confusing. If a simple topic about a self is this complicated, I wouldn't dare to process any part of human relationships. (sigh) I guess the hardest room to organize is always, indeed, your own.

Now I don't know how much I'm being a hypocrite in mentioning an orbital cycle in this post. Another dilemma whether I should or should not go. Based on past experience, I would be having regret in not going, but.. Hm..

Life is amusing yet confusing at the same time, ya?

"Stop the time"

The last few days were unpredictable. That much I can say. The feeling of desperation, of scornfulness, of sadness that followed. Those were the kinds of days when your ability to find beautiful sparkles in the desert is tested. How much can one bend without break? How many blessing can you spot and hold dear? How much other people can influence you, in both ways? It was a truly humbling experience.

Going a quarter way past that, I had another random dream this morning (yes, i slept at dawn, again..).
What if time stops?

As of now, even with such events like the last week one, actually my life is quite ok.
My basic necessities are met (shelter, food, clothings). My education is ok (minus the burden to secure it). Nowadays I even learn how to manage my economic outcome, too - at least I don't fall into the red occasionally. My physical needs are somehow met, most of the time. I got a few hobbies to do in my leisure time, and resources are relatively easy to find.

I (think I) have friends - people that I can trust, both near and far. They are kind and helpful at times. Even for those who are relatively far by distance, most of the time they would join me in the virtual chat space, sometimes with a single email or sms, and most of the time without. What more, some of them even took the painstaking way to convince me that they are truly happy to do so. They are kind like that, too kind even, I think. I got my chances to speak. I got more chances to listen. I got my chances to help, even. I can be engaged in the sharing of ideas, many kinds of ideas - something that I really enjoy doing.

Building a mind is like designing an art piece at best - be it in form of any senses' pleasure, and I certainly like the assortments of tunes, colours and textures to broaden my choices and favourite lists, to better this piece as much as I can, though I got my own limitations, too, of course.

I am happy. I think- or I feel, I can say so. A bit simpleton on my side, maybe, but I personally don't think that we need to be at the top of the so called "pinnacle of rat race" to say such thing.

It feels quite nice knowing that. That was what came to my half-asleep mind this morning. That wonderful feeling, is what gave me another one of the most scariest thoughts:

"It's nice. It's comfortable. I want to stay still in this kind world. Stop the time.

Nevertheless, in the end I would still be witnessing the fleeing, fine grains of sand escaping my grasps, no matter how tight I hold on onto it. It would not stay still and obey anyone but its own natures, time does have the freedom of strays that I adore.

..and then, I woke up, twenty minutes late than the time I set for my biological clock.

Indecisiveness.

"So this is the control room.."

"Yes."

"I just have to push a few buttons, right?"

"and a lever or two. No big deal."

"Then?"

"You would get the things you wish for: no more psychological headache. No more wasted time in those mental mists. More productivity. More.. usefulness. Those are the things you want, right?"

"Well.. ..sorta."

"Those buttons and levers are the shortcuts I found. One to tone down emotional influence, another to re-shuffle priorities to.. the more useful ones, that one is for close some gates - we need to reduce those vulnerability points, obviously - and so on.."

"If you really know how to do it, then why don't you push those buttons for me?"

"You're the one holding the invisible keys. They're like genetic codes- built-in and non-transferable. Nobody can do it for you. Even if they do, it won't be as effective as it should've been. You were the one talking about that. You should know it better."

"I know. It's just.. I got my limitations. Are you sure.."

"Do I need to repeat what I just said?"

"Okay.."

"Then do it."

"..."

"Why are you hesitating now, if I may ask?"

"...I don't know.. Maybe, I still want to remain human."

"Are you sure?"

"Maybe.. Let me think firs.. I mean, again."

"...Very well. Think as much as you need. Do not worry- we got time."

Moved

Yep, I moved my old blog here. Out of the simplest reason possible: practicality. Had one too many mail address made things quite wiry, especially if your careless level is one of the record breaking ones.

So, yap.

really sorry for all the trouble.. ^^

Yes, maybe it's a terrible trait after all..

Lately, someone deducted/guessed correctly: I somehow have a short interest span. Indeed, over and over again, I am having difficulties to stay on the track I had decided. Like a little pup, I am easily distracted by the passing butterflies and such. Activities to activities, attitudes to attitudes, perceptions, too. That may explain the wide! range of experiences I had so far. The disconnectedness is disturbing, sometimes, but that is not what I want to write about now.

Perhaps it is just my not-so-healthy state. Perhaps it is just a side effect of my poor stamina I am having now. I have been having obnoxiously stagnant days for a while, and just a 5 minutes ago, I actually came out with a disturbing thought. I am losing interest in the world.

The ripples are getting boring to watch. The wind is getting somewhat easier to read. And even when I can't read them, I wonder whether it is really necessary to feel disappointed.

Yes, disappointment. Disappointment of optimism. Predictability of pessimism. And as if those were not enough, the repetitive of routines are starting to get on my nerve, again.

It may sound like secondary years all over again, but still, I believe it is better this time. At the very least, I got more companions this time. However, still..

There. I got distracted again.

Perhaps it would be easier if I can really decide on one course of action and mindset, then embark on as if it were some kind of command. Like a program, or robot. Or.. have I been doing that so far? Questions, again.

Even so, if there was one thing I want to hold on to, it would still be the promise I made.

Desperate as it seem, I still want to love this world. That is one cliche and 'cheesy' ideal concept I want to make real.

As they say, love has its ups and downs, high and low. Shifting to another perception (again), I wonder if all of this are just trivial parts of my 'romance story'..

i'm proud of the livings

Lately, I've been listening to music of different genres that I did not listen regularly before. The prime example would be jazz.

Gotta admit, I have to thank this new environment for this one. For lifting the emotional curse I had against this genre before. Now that I think about it, it was stupid and immature of me. I was overwhelmed by anecdotal experiences. I was blaming the dust instead of the wind that blew it into my eyes, just because I knew I am not permitted to blame the wind.

Now that I've shaken its hands and be introduced to it, it has been growing my love for itself. It has its own unique characteristic in telling its stories. Personalised. Innovative. (somewhat) Free, like a breeze playing around in its track of synchronized flight with her friends. Emotional in its way, like a single smile full of hidden meanings - and its up to everyone to decipher it in the way they desire, the truth may be either far or close, or both. Somewhat, I feel that this also, can be related to my own views and thoughts.

Basically it added another spectrum of colours I can use to fill this vast space of mind. Well, I guess I would still hold on to my ideal view of diversity, that it is possible for diverse things to co-existance together in harmony. I still listen to classics, to hip-hop, to rock, to pop, etc. w/ different languages too, English, Japanese, Portuguese, Latin etc. That, I think, what makes my playlists quite unique..

Maybe that is why I am also having growing interest in Fusion, and cross-genres songs often catch my attention (and admiration), too. The title of this entry is actually inspired from the lyric of a song that combined jazz, hard-rock, pop/hip-hop in one single performance. It was.. magical, at least that is what I think.

A question that popped out of my mind when I was writing this: why am I talking this much about music when I am not a musician? Currently, no 'official' activity of mine is related to music. Heck, even if there is, my musical ability is just limited, I guess. Isn't it quite shameless for me to write things like this, while I have no idea whether all this thoughts are actually commendable or ..crappy? There goes my paranoia. Again.

Anyway.

The title of this entry also said some parts of my other thought. Well, who can deny that every person has their own circumstances, problems, pressure and fair share of sorrow? Yet life would eventually narrate to us that nearly as much as humans need others' help, they also have their own strengths and virtues to get through their problems.

At times, things like this may seem doubtful, especially when our mind are clouded by the mist of circumstances and our persistent egos. Quite often, actually, the times come when I find myself reluctant to wait and give some space for others to make their moves. My patience can be quite pathetic, my worries are sometimes cancerous. Yet we have to acknowledge the strength of a human being. Waiting may not be a pleasant experience, but well..

Of course, direct actions are still important. Very crucial and vital, even. I will not deny that.

Either way, although a human's achievement, be it "quantifiable" success or positive paradigm shift, could most likely not be attributed fully to him/herself, I still believe we should not forget that certain amount of it is still his/herself's. That is why I would still be congratulating them, verbally or not. Another motivational remainder to respect people, and to think that the world is wonderful, perhaps. I'm proud of the livings.

we're embracing something we don't have

(although I said the blog has been moved, still.. some still has to go here. This indecisive me has decided..)

"Anxiety". Yes, that is the word. I am anxious. Shorter than seven days is next week's long weekend. Restless. Worries. But not the kind that I can explain to just anyone. Why the hell am I thinking about anxiety now?

"Hate". -The hating will learn to love. The loving will learn to hate.- Can anyone explain this? For years now, I have been restraining myself from hating anyone. Cliche, naive, hypocrite, whatever. But once you hate somebody, the cycle would start again, and the only direction in the whirlpool is just to go deeper and hopelessly even deeper. To the point that one would not be able to pull him/herself out by him/herself. Even so, I still think that hate is necessary if we are to learn how to love.

"Lonely". Big deal? I had known that ultimately, humans are alone. Still.. Bad 'pillar', am I not? Pillar 'resting' on another pillar is just like a domino effect. I am sorry, but I still think that way, nevertheless.

"Self esteem". This. Even now, I still think that I can hardly do anything, actually. Skills, what skill? My academic study is not really.. Music? I've (kinda) dropped it. Athletics? Not really there. Arts? My confidence is nearly negative. Social skills? Well..

Looking it at this point of view, I gotta admit, it is depressing. Am I among those who had been wasting my life? Had I been trapped in the flow, and ended up going nowhere? As much as I want to be something useful, something that can spark AND share the light to anyone that needs it, but as for now what can I do if I cannot do anything?

Foggy. That is what my future looks like to me. I guess everybody is saying the same thing, though. I can talk and try to comfort them. But after it is all over, I wonder, how many percent of the things I say is not a hypocritical "lie"? At such time, I would be feeling really, really, terrible. Nevertheless, I know the pessimism creature would end up punching myself in the mental guts, saying "AS IF things will change. Don't waste your time thinking about such obvious things."

"Fear". Why is it so difficult to bring out all this flaws of me? Maybe I am just... scared? My flaws are built in. Cancerous. Inherent. As much as I know it is useless to speculate, "what-if's" keep sprouting from this restless mind.

Moving

Sorry, I think I'll be moving this blog to another site. I'll be blogging at Tumblr instead.

Thanks for visiting this blog~

My account there: auris419.tumblr.com

Come visit anytime~ :)