we're embracing something we don't have

(although I said the blog has been moved, still.. some still has to go here. This indecisive me has decided..)

"Anxiety". Yes, that is the word. I am anxious. Shorter than seven days is next week's long weekend. Restless. Worries. But not the kind that I can explain to just anyone. Why the hell am I thinking about anxiety now?

"Hate". -The hating will learn to love. The loving will learn to hate.- Can anyone explain this? For years now, I have been restraining myself from hating anyone. Cliche, naive, hypocrite, whatever. But once you hate somebody, the cycle would start again, and the only direction in the whirlpool is just to go deeper and hopelessly even deeper. To the point that one would not be able to pull him/herself out by him/herself. Even so, I still think that hate is necessary if we are to learn how to love.

"Lonely". Big deal? I had known that ultimately, humans are alone. Still.. Bad 'pillar', am I not? Pillar 'resting' on another pillar is just like a domino effect. I am sorry, but I still think that way, nevertheless.

"Self esteem". This. Even now, I still think that I can hardly do anything, actually. Skills, what skill? My academic study is not really.. Music? I've (kinda) dropped it. Athletics? Not really there. Arts? My confidence is nearly negative. Social skills? Well..

Looking it at this point of view, I gotta admit, it is depressing. Am I among those who had been wasting my life? Had I been trapped in the flow, and ended up going nowhere? As much as I want to be something useful, something that can spark AND share the light to anyone that needs it, but as for now what can I do if I cannot do anything?

Foggy. That is what my future looks like to me. I guess everybody is saying the same thing, though. I can talk and try to comfort them. But after it is all over, I wonder, how many percent of the things I say is not a hypocritical "lie"? At such time, I would be feeling really, really, terrible. Nevertheless, I know the pessimism creature would end up punching myself in the mental guts, saying "AS IF things will change. Don't waste your time thinking about such obvious things."

"Fear". Why is it so difficult to bring out all this flaws of me? Maybe I am just... scared? My flaws are built in. Cancerous. Inherent. As much as I know it is useless to speculate, "what-if's" keep sprouting from this restless mind.