A long walk

A walk is overdue. A long walk. I need to cool down. To think. To ponder some issues. To untangle some dreaded knots; one at the bottom of my stomach, one at the mess of a garden and another at the aching part, somewhere near my lungs.



It's going to be a very long walk. My feet are going to be painful. My knees would probably be protesting. I would probably cry. And then, provided I survive, maybe I'll write something.

Have you ever, honestly, thought about it? That I am probably the worst friend you ever have.

I am stoic, aloof, poor at communication and awkward at managing distance. Stone cold at times of stress, just enough to push forward things that need to be done, whimsically mushy at any other times. Worse still, once you know me you would probably notice I am just slightly a bit more than a closet crybaby with a keyboard, a pen and some paper. I cry at the news. I cry at fictions. I cry at nothing - or to be precise, at whatever things I failed to cry at when things hit me, because I had let logic to take over control on the spot. I laugh whenever I feel like crying.

A trickster and a hypocrite, I reveal as much as I hide things in plain view. I think at least twice before I speak, then I think twice as many after the words left my mouth. I speak of ideals, and I hang on to it partly because at times, that is all I have. I brush off damages as mere bruises, even when I am fully aware they really mean internal bleedings.

I detest separations, so much that I'm wary of meetings. You see, when it basically colours every close friendships I managed to have, there is little I can do beside that. Every one of them, every time I got to be close with somebody, it would be either hampered by great physical distance due to circumstances, or simply ended rather abruptly. Time and time again, I pray to be proven wrong and every time, the mainstream prevails. What is a close friendship when I can't even get close enough to help them and what it can possibly be, when I can't even say the most basic 'hold on, don't go'.

Stress buildups - lest I recognise them. A walk is overdue. It's going to be a long and possibly, a lone one.