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In general, I don't have any particular hatred towards girls. Really, I don't, and not only because I am a girl myself.

But being a human (with this fast-shifting teenage-aged mood even), yes, I got my pet peeves, and several of them do related to what I call typical girls' behaviours.

Girls. I always relates most of them to cats. Most of them talk in this meow-y tone, screechy and squeal-y most of the time, but they can also be dead-flat or even mumbling when they got nothing to ask about. Their movements can be overly.. jumpy at times and menacing in other occasions, depending solely on their personal feelings and needs. That is saying something, obviously, even more coherently than whatever sugary stuffs they are saying physically. Of course, that's quite natural in humans. But at some points where patience capabilities are not optimal, well, I'd say those are quite some mood dumper indeed.

For a disclaimer, I'm not a full throttled cat-haters. As a matter of fact, they are cute in general. It's just that I prefer something else than that regarding stereotypical attitudes. :)

(Random plants in front of random house, taken on Linden Drive, Singapore)

Girls and their competitive nature. This picture above was taken to illustrate my assertion on this. In my opinion, most girls are like those bunches of flowers. They strives to be 'different', to be perceived as unique, special, 'cool outcast', 'tragic heroine', pretty, admirable, a Cinderella. For that purpose, they would go a long, long way to establish their images in front of the society. They would smile as wide as they can, pose as 'cute' as they can be, in front of cameras, regardless of how they bring themselves up in their everyday's lives. They would display beautiful and romantic quotes on their public spaces, their dream boys/figures/things/fairy tales, regardless of how often they bring those up in real conversations, regardless of what they say about themselves in front of others.

To link these up with my previous post, I would say that maybe, it is the society and modern cultures that shapes these kind of contrasting personalities out of some altered form of siege mentality. Nah, I don't have much against them in general, partly because I am also, in fact, a girl. Maybe at some points I had also conducted myself similar to those attitudes that I am cynical about.

As an end notes, if you're an Indonesian stumbled upon this post, maybe you would care to look up for the song whose title I adopted as this post title. It's an old song by Indra Lesmana, and its lyric is quite a thing I can relate to regarding this issue.

On growing up

"A woman never run away,

A woman never hide away,

in order to survive."

Those lines were taken from a J-Pop song, Real Me. It was one of the first Japanese songs that I've ever heard, the first ones that left the pre-teen me wondering and pondering.

What does it mean to become a female? Surely it's beyond having different physical structures and abilities than males. If you're a girl in this male-dominated society, you have to gain awareness of certain things; different kind of treatments that people would give you, your biological baggages and your vulnerabilities - both physical and emotional.

Gender discrimination still exist in this society; that is a given fact. Yes, compared to the previous era, our species has relatively become more female-friendly. But to say that sexism has become extinct is a blatant lie. This topic has been discussed a lot in media and GP lessons. I think I don't have to elaborate further.

And then there are the inherent vulnerabilities that females have to bear like some destinies. We are relatively physically weaker than males, yet young females have this responsibility to protect ourselves and our virginity. Despite the increasing liberalism trend that reduce the emphasis on it, it is still something important to be defended for those who still retains their traditional values and virtues. This is more evidently relevant to those living in more conformed societies, Asian societies for example.

In my opinion, to be a woman would be to be prepared for such disadvantaging things in our life to come. I don't think all feminists are fighting for a sole selfish reason to justify wrong behaviours. Some of them, along with other 'non-feminist' females, are simply trying to survive this world.

"A woman never show her fears,

A woman never show her tears,

in order to survive."

Females are generally more sensitive to emotions. Scientific evidences aside, I guess even I can relate myself with this. At times it does bug me to see hyper-sensitive girls - those who shout hysterically at slightest movements in the dark, or those who become upset easily. But then, who am I to truly judge people one-sidedly? I am also a girl who, at times, could also suffer from a random fit of emotions and reactions, or instinctive demands for attentions.

And of course, this world isn't made from sugar houses and pixie dusts. To be a woman for me is to be strong and dependable. It's a fight, a struggle not to yield to myself.

"A woman could be dangerous,

A woman could be generous,

in order to survive."

Being a female is quite hard, really. All these constant struggles can also be related to almost every other females, I think. Modern women are guerilla fighters to some extent; we are constantly battling those internal "enemies", while at the same dealing with the ever present external pressures. I am of an opinion that this has resulted in the implantation of some form of siege mentality and in today's women's minds as the base of their competitive nature. To some extent, this makes me somewhat wary of females.. but not to the extreme of course. I understand that those attitudes females have come to adopt are somewhat a necessity at times. Well, I'm a female too, anyway.

"A woman could be having fun,

A woman could be like a nun,

in order to survive."

Flexibility. I think this is one of those life skills that can be quite handy. Call it a self-justification of my indecisive tendencies, but I believe that it is beneficial to be true to yourself. I am an individual of wide preferences, I think. I'm fine with a lot of things, from being practical to dress up 'as a girl', from adopting polite manner of speech to uttering some curses jokingly. To some extent, I think it would better equip me in this struggle also. Not only to better adapt to wider range of personalities, mind you, but also to give some choices for myself especially when I need some time out.

..in order to survive.

On dreaming

So I found this soundtrack from my favorite movie back then in middle school. Oh the memories. School work had never been my focus even then. Beside the demand for normalcy and friends, it was part of what made me willing to go to school: my first and most loved band, TOP DBC.

For the very first time of my life, I learnt a lot of priceless things among them were discipline, commitments, comradeship and how to enjoy music. No, I'm not a music prodigy, and no, it's not about throwing expectations of geniuses for everyone. It was simply about simple activities in practicing tunes and moves we like, doing routines to force-knock some basic sense of rhythm and marching techniques, getting together to come up with a mutual interpretation of the melodies, being high on stage and doing push-ups to kick any lingering post-performance regrets afterwards. At that time, I was kinda determined to dedicate myself to that extra-curriculum club for the rest of my schooling days and to try bringing that corp a few step closer to the nationals.

Skip a few years, now I realise how easy it is for humans to lose sight of a dream.

On doubt

"Are you okay?"

Oh, I don't know. So many things are happening at once. The moment I think about it, the flood gate would just break. The things I have to do. The things that I have in mind. The things that need to be done. And, oh goodness, the priorities of those people. The last thing I want would be to distract them.

"Can you do it?"

...must you ask?

"I can help taking over. We need to get things done for ourselves also, frankly speaking."

Is this the best thing we can do? Incapability. Guilt. Worries. Just how much can one take? I do not think I was this weak before. Still, I am supposed to be more.. optimistic than this. How much can I b..

"Cut the long speech. We've got to believe in something, I get it. We're never enemies, you know. Just give me the order and go to sleep already."

Impressively unmovable, aren't you? Well, get those things done and perhaps, do them nicely.

"Affirmative. I wish you a good rest."

If you were me..

maybe you'd raise a head, look forward, shrug a pair of shoulders and walk through.

...yeah, that would be something you would really do, I guess. Honestly, I can really imagine you doing just that.

I guess I can run faster and be stronger than dunno-what-kind-of-pulp that is me right now..

arbitrary piece

The spinning sky. The bright ray shining through. The gust of wind. The spinning vision.

Then, silence...

before everything suddenly flashed oh-so-briefly.

"Here's the k..."

"Run. Now!"

"..they're still.."

"Hey, where d'you wa.."

"Ahh, I'm bo.."

"..see what I can.."

"Hahaha! You shouldn't.."

"Listen. You.."

"Move out!"

"Why.."

"Please! I.."

"..hereby.."

"Whaaat!?"

"..in the red.. again."

"..is your priority!"

"Calling for.."

"ey, wait.."

"AAAAaa..."

"..ry, but who.."

"DAMN IT!!"

"..ase, stay.."

"Pens down!"

"No, wait!! It's.."

"You.."

"DON'T!"

"..let go!"

"..on't unders.."

"..s my.."

"Over here!"

"..nononono.."

"..wonder?"

"..ring it!"

"..kh!"

"...."

"But why.. why.."

"Why are we living in a world like this?"

There it is. The shadow you were chasing.

Floor it. Sprint as fast as you can..

The gap is narrowing itself down. The huge door is closing.

The figure turns around. A pair of orbs that you waited so long to see..

And the door is closed.

Something to remember.

Last night was fun-tastic. What else can I say? A successful event that we pulled off after several vigorous rehearsals and even longer planning, a duty which I enjoyed tremendously, all those screams and cheers and laughters and nail paintings and high-fives and bounces and photos and hugs - basically frantic joys obscured from the audiences' point-of-views, a relaxing (yes I'm not kidding) observations during the dance floor, and the unbelievable after-party that lasted nearly as long as the event itself. It was an escapist's paradise - a night out of routines that would become a lasting memory.

However, the sun had risen once more. It's time to be back in reality. In fact, reality had hit me during the night itself, but for once, I chose not to mind it. But now.. okay. It's real. It's reality.

Confusion. Progression. Regression. Well, I have heard some advices and opinions. I like some of them, I admit. However, where I would step next is still.. unclear. "Never mind me." Yes, I've even incorporated that simplifying concept that would boost my decision-making progress most of the time, but still..

And that brought me to a step back I've involuntarily taken in this progress of self-consolidation. No, I'm not masochistic. But you see, one's opinion toward oneself is one the most subjective opinions that one would ever got, not to mention there is a high chance that it is tainted with biases; that is a given fact. Therefore, in times when fast decision making must be endured, that is one kind of opinions I would ignore faster. Full of loopholes, the rationale is, I admit. But so far, it serves its function quite well - to avoid conflicts. Yes, I know that; in fact I'm trying to better it and that is actually one of the main focuses in this process.

Keep yourself alive and stop over-thinking things? I wish I know how.