Sunday, May 1, 2011

Yes, maybe it's a terrible trait after all..

Lately, someone deducted/guessed correctly: I somehow have a short interest span. Indeed, over and over again, I am having difficulties to stay on the track I had decided. Like a little pup, I am easily distracted by the passing butterflies and such. Activities to activities, attitudes to attitudes, perceptions, too. That may explain the wide! range of experiences I had so far. The disconnectedness is disturbing, sometimes, but that is not what I want to write about now.

Perhaps it is just my not-so-healthy state. Perhaps it is just a side effect of my poor stamina I am having now. I have been having obnoxiously stagnant days for a while, and just a 5 minutes ago, I actually came out with a disturbing thought. I am losing interest in the world.

The ripples are getting boring to watch. The wind is getting somewhat easier to read. And even when I can't read them, I wonder whether it is really necessary to feel disappointed.

Yes, disappointment. Disappointment of optimism. Predictability of pessimism. And as if those were not enough, the repetitive of routines are starting to get on my nerve, again.
It may sound like secondary years all over again, but still, I believe it is better this time. At the very least, I got more companions this time. However, still..

There. I got distracted again.

Perhaps it would be easier if I can really decide on one course of action and mindset, then embark on as if it were some kind of command. Like a program, or robot. Or.. have I been doing that so far? Questions, again.

Even so, if there was one thing I want to hold on to, it would still be the promise I made.
Desperate as it seem, I still want to love this world. That is one cliche and 'cheesy' ideal concept I want to make real.
As they say, love has its ups and downs, high and low. Shifting to another perception (again), I wonder if all of this are just trivial parts of my 'romance story'..

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

i'm proud of the livings

Lately, I've been listening to music of different genres that I did not listen regularly before. The prime example would be jazz.

Gotta admit, I have to thank this new environment for this one. For lifting the emotional curse I had against this genre before. Now that I think about it, it was stupid and immature of me. I was overwhelmed by anecdotal experiences. I was blaming the dust instead of the wind that blew it into my eyes, just because I knew I am not permitted to blame the wind.

Now that I've shaken its hands and be introduced to it, it has been growing my love for itself. It has its own unique characteristic in telling its stories. Personalised. Innovative. (somewhat) Free, like a breeze playing around in its track of synchronized flight with her friends. Emotional in its way, like a single smile full of hidden meanings - and its up to everyone to decipher it in the way they desire, the truth may be either far or close, or both. Somewhat, I feel that this also, can be related to my own views and thoughts.

Basically it added another spectrum of colours I can use to fill this vast space of mind. Well, I guess I would still hold on to my ideal view of diversity, that it is possible for diverse things to co-existance together in harmony. I still listen to classics, to hip-hop, to rock, to pop, etc. w/ different languages too, English, Japanese, Portuguese, Latin etc. That, I think, what makes my playlists quite unique..

Maybe that is why I am also having growing interest in Fusion, and cross-genres songs often catch my attention (and admiration), too. The title of this entry is actually inspired from the lyric of a song that combined jazz, hard-rock, pop/hip-hop in one single performance. It was.. magical, at least that is what I think.

A question that popped out of my mind when I was writing this: why am I talking this much about music when I am not a musician? Currently, no 'official' activity of mine is related to music. Heck, even if there is, my musical ability is just limited, I guess. Isn't it quite shameless for me to write things like this, while I have no idea whether all this thoughts are actually commendable or ..crappy? There goes my paranoia. Again.

Anyway.

The title of this entry also said some parts of my other thought. Well, who can deny that every person has their own circumstances, problems, pressure and fair share of sorrow? Yet life would eventually narrate to us that nearly as much as humans need others' help, they also have their own strengths and virtues to get through their problems.

At times, things like this may seem doubtful, especially when our mind are clouded by the mist of circumstances and our persistent egos. Quite often, actually, the times come when I find myself reluctant to wait and give some space for others to make their moves. My patience can be quite pathetic, my worries are sometimes cancerous. Yet we have to acknowledge the strength of a human being. Waiting may not be a pleasant experience, but well..

Of course, direct actions are still important. Very crucial and vital, even. I will not deny that.

Either way, although a human's achievement, be it "quantifiable" success or positive paradigm shift, could most likely not be attributed fully to him/herself, I still believe we should not forget that certain amount of it is still his/herself's. That is why I would still be congratulating them, verbally or not. Another motivational remainder to respect people, and to think that the world is wonderful, perhaps. I'm proud of the livings.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

we're embracing something we don't have

(although I said the blog has been moved, still.. some still has to go here. This indecisive me has decided..)

"Anxiety". Yes, that is the word. I am anxious. Shorter than seven days is next week's long weekend. Restless. Worries. But not the kind that I can explain to just anyone. Why the hell am I thinking about anxiety now?

"Hate". -The hating will learn to love. The loving will learn to hate.- Can anyone explain this? For years now, I have been restraining myself from hating anyone. Cliche, naive, hypocrite, whatever. But once you hate somebody, the cycle would start again, and the only direction in the whirlpool is just to go deeper and hopelessly even deeper. To the point that one would not be able to pull him/herself out by him/herself. Even so, I still think that hate is necessary if we are to learn how to love.

"Lonely". Big deal? I had known that ultimately, humans are alone. Still.. Bad 'pillar', am I not? Pillar 'resting' on another pillar is just like a domino effect. I am sorry, but I still think that way, nevertheless.

"Self esteem". This. Even now, I still think that I can hardly do anything, actually. Skills, what skill? My academic study is not really.. Music? I've (kinda) dropped it. Athletics? Not really there. Arts? My confidence is nearly negative. Social skills? Well..
Looking it at this point of view, I gotta admit, it is depressing. Am I among those who had been wasting my life? Had I been trapped in the flow, and ended up going nowhere? As much as I want to be something useful, something that can spark AND share the light to anyone that needs it, but as for now what can I do if I cannot do anything?
Foggy. That is what my future looks like to me. I guess everybody is saying the same thing, though. I can talk and try to comfort them. But after it is all over, I wonder, how many percent of the things I say is not a hypocritical "lie"? At such time, I would be feeling really, really, terrible. Nevertheless, I know the pessimism creature would end up punching myself in the mental guts, saying "AS IF things will change. Don't waste your time thinking about such obvious things."

"Fear". Why is it so difficult to bring out all this flaws of me? Maybe I am just... scared? My flaws are built in. Cancerous. Inherent. As much as I know it is useless to speculate, "what-if's" keep sprouting from this restless mind.


Friday, March 25, 2011

Moving

Sorry, I think I'll be moving this blog to another site. I'll be blogging at Tumblr instead.
Thanks for visiting this blog~

My account there: auris419.tumblr.com

Come visit anytime~ :)

Monday, July 5, 2010

emptiness

What should I write? I'm bored. That's practically the sole reason I have

Black-White

What should I write? I'm bored. That's practically the sole reason why I'm writing this.

It's Youth Day. Yeah, right.

When they say it's a day for celebrating your youth, they don't mean you can go to the park and ride a bike or skating, or go to the mall to hang out without a care.
Youth Day means a reason for teachers to give extra work and confine the kids to their study room and left them to stare longingly for the outdoor sunshine. How ecstatic and youthful.

Next week will be a hectic one for me, I guess.
So despite all my loath for studying, I just can't help but getting a restraining jacket for the youthful burst to calm down and start memorizing these Biology stuffs.

I develop a pet peeve, too. Can't say it's just born recently. It's there since long, it's just nowadays it's been mutating like some cancer cells.
I don't like those with no manner.
Those who whine about hearts and stuffs, but somehow unable of being considerate even for small things, at least to say 'please' or give a friendly look instead of mood breaking glares or keep pointing the most obvious thing of all things just to show they have some basic brain cells.

Maybe it's me being too demanding or observing, but enough is enough. Through this entry I'm saying it. I. do. notice.
Subconscious and subtle things irked me more than the facades purposely shown. If they say humans must have subjective opinion of others no matter how they deny it, than this is my way to make one.

But things being things, I'm not everybody's mom so I can't just bark out advices. Shutting down social links isn't an option either.
I just hope my receptive cells are more flexible than I thought so I can lead a sane life. Wish me luck.

This crosses my mind as soon as I finished my last paragraph. Anybody feel offended?
In all my honesty , I do hope some can feel 'oh, this is quite like me' and try to adjust some little things for the better. But I know most that did may just hold grudges against me.

That's why, might as well declare now that this post is not meant to attack anybody. I'm just sharing some thoughts, you know that's why most blogs are made. And thoughts, as we live in the maze (or mess) of relationships, not seldom it'll automatically involve some other conscious beings. No hard feelings, kay?

Eh, I'm serious. Feel free to let me know if you, my dear few readers have something in mind. The comment space and the chat box are not just some random wallflower, y'know.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Days and Nights

Oh, it's already mid-year. I haven't made a post since.. long, I guess.

Ok, I'll make a post in Indonesian. Happy now?

Sbulan ini sibuk. Kayaknya di jurnal gw yg manapun, tuh kalimat pasti nongol.
Ujian, maraton (a.k.a. teror tahunan), bejibun kerjaan ekskul, dsb, dsb, dsb, you name it.. Minggu ini, udah kaya last lap klo di pacuan kuda mah. Tapi tetep we ada beberapa ulangan dan tugas yang dengan sesuatu cara berhasil diselip- selip in sama guru.

Geez, GIVE ME A BREAK, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE!

Libur mid-year, thankfully, bakal dateng bentar lagi.
Tapi kaya biasa, kiasu-ness ensues~ dan serangan kata2 'jangan lupa belajar' ga berhenti juga, bahkan sebelum gw sempet berpikir tentang apa yang bakal gw lakuin waktu libur. Bahkan ada yang wanti2 jangan sampe gw makin lancar ngomong mother tongue gw sendiri.
"Mendidik murid untuk berkembang, dan setia pada komitmen dan negara"? What a joke. Or is it my fault to have some sense of nationalism?

Anyway.

Hari ini samsak samsak gw pada berani membuang nyawa dengan datang ke pulau kecil ini, dan besok gw bakal ketemu mereka. Good timing. Gw lagi pengen menyalurkan energi. No offense, tapi 'no harm to women' itu salah satu lifetime policy/principle gw. Berbahagialah mereka yang status gendernya bersimbol Venus, practically almost all living beings I spend my daily life with.

Rasanya weekend ini bakal rame. Mungkin. Probably.
Tapi berarti sekarang gw kudu nyicil buat Senen juga. Sumhow guru- guru nyelipin dua biji ulangan di situ. Clever. But that, will not stop me.

Apakah gw sedang stres? Mungkin, dengan meningkatnya frekuensi bersih bersih gw (what the freak.. klo stres malah bersih bersih..).

Seminggu lagi. Sabar.