Lethargy was killing me and boredom was choking me

I needed to do something, other than studying. Simply put, I was bored. I used to like this window sill. Well, I still do, but it's just that I wasn't built with a lasting standby mode. I wanted to do something. Sports, maybe. But well, I perfectly knew I wasn't in the condition to do so.

Then I saw the door slowly creaked open by itself. I didn't see anybody opening it though, but I never forget to look down. And there she was, wiggling her furry small body in was my pet dog and sole companion.

Did you feel the same thing as I did, little one? <3

not feeling good..

erased like a one-fifth of my question marks.

shut half of the door.

walked away.

closed my eyes.

yet the dizziness still persisted. :/

Sometimes I don't get it myself. It's like burying a gaping hole that would just suck everything like a black hole out there. Well, at some points its convenient - to dump things like excess feelings and other things I fear - but yet it's confusing still. How should I stitch it? How big of a cloth to cover it? What is the shape of a puzzle piece to fit it?

lastly, what am I rambling about in the first place?

Complacency

I've been observing myself for these few days.

Small gestures that I made, spontaneous thoughts that I came up with, my living patterns, my reactions, basically the same basic observation points.

It's not like I haven't been aware of it. Instead, it's almost like a foresight.

Is it a good thing that I am like this? Or is it bad? Am I really heading towards something that I can be excited about or just another nothingness to distract this restless mind? This thing called 'self-esteem' and 'identity', just what are they, really?

"We never know the future." "Every steps, whichever memories they are carrying, are just steps and nothing more." Again, words of 'wisdom' that are more like facts to urge me to take it easy and simply don't mind about this kind of things, moreover so if this would just concern myself and nobody else. Simply unimportant, isn't it? The more I think of it, the more question marks I would end up having. Utterly confusing. If a simple topic about a self is this complicated, I wouldn't dare to process any part of human relationships. (sigh) I guess the hardest room to organize is always, indeed, your own.

Now I don't know how much I'm being a hypocrite in mentioning an orbital cycle in this post. Another dilemma whether I should or should not go. Based on past experience, I would be having regret in not going, but.. Hm..

Life is amusing yet confusing at the same time, ya?

"Stop the time"

The last few days were unpredictable. That much I can say. The feeling of desperation, of scornfulness, of sadness that followed. Those were the kinds of days when your ability to find beautiful sparkles in the desert is tested. How much can one bend without break? How many blessing can you spot and hold dear? How much other people can influence you, in both ways? It was a truly humbling experience.

Going a quarter way past that, I had another random dream this morning (yes, i slept at dawn, again..).
What if time stops?

As of now, even with such events like the last week one, actually my life is quite ok.
My basic necessities are met (shelter, food, clothings). My education is ok (minus the burden to secure it). Nowadays I even learn how to manage my economic outcome, too - at least I don't fall into the red occasionally. My physical needs are somehow met, most of the time. I got a few hobbies to do in my leisure time, and resources are relatively easy to find.

I (think I) have friends - people that I can trust, both near and far. They are kind and helpful at times. Even for those who are relatively far by distance, most of the time they would join me in the virtual chat space, sometimes with a single email or sms, and most of the time without. What more, some of them even took the painstaking way to convince me that they are truly happy to do so. They are kind like that, too kind even, I think. I got my chances to speak. I got more chances to listen. I got my chances to help, even. I can be engaged in the sharing of ideas, many kinds of ideas - something that I really enjoy doing.

Building a mind is like designing an art piece at best - be it in form of any senses' pleasure, and I certainly like the assortments of tunes, colours and textures to broaden my choices and favourite lists, to better this piece as much as I can, though I got my own limitations, too, of course.

I am happy. I think- or I feel, I can say so. A bit simpleton on my side, maybe, but I personally don't think that we need to be at the top of the so called "pinnacle of rat race" to say such thing.

It feels quite nice knowing that. That was what came to my half-asleep mind this morning. That wonderful feeling, is what gave me another one of the most scariest thoughts:

"It's nice. It's comfortable. I want to stay still in this kind world. Stop the time.

Nevertheless, in the end I would still be witnessing the fleeing, fine grains of sand escaping my grasps, no matter how tight I hold on onto it. It would not stay still and obey anyone but its own natures, time does have the freedom of strays that I adore.

..and then, I woke up, twenty minutes late than the time I set for my biological clock.

Indecisiveness.

"So this is the control room.."

"Yes."

"I just have to push a few buttons, right?"

"and a lever or two. No big deal."

"Then?"

"You would get the things you wish for: no more psychological headache. No more wasted time in those mental mists. More productivity. More.. usefulness. Those are the things you want, right?"

"Well.. ..sorta."

"Those buttons and levers are the shortcuts I found. One to tone down emotional influence, another to re-shuffle priorities to.. the more useful ones, that one is for close some gates - we need to reduce those vulnerability points, obviously - and so on.."

"If you really know how to do it, then why don't you push those buttons for me?"

"You're the one holding the invisible keys. They're like genetic codes- built-in and non-transferable. Nobody can do it for you. Even if they do, it won't be as effective as it should've been. You were the one talking about that. You should know it better."

"I know. It's just.. I got my limitations. Are you sure.."

"Do I need to repeat what I just said?"

"Okay.."

"Then do it."

"..."

"Why are you hesitating now, if I may ask?"

"...I don't know.. Maybe, I still want to remain human."

"Are you sure?"

"Maybe.. Let me think firs.. I mean, again."

"...Very well. Think as much as you need. Do not worry- we got time."

Moved

Yep, I moved my old blog here. Out of the simplest reason possible: practicality. Had one too many mail address made things quite wiry, especially if your careless level is one of the record breaking ones.

So, yap.

really sorry for all the trouble.. ^^

Yes, maybe it's a terrible trait after all..

Lately, someone deducted/guessed correctly: I somehow have a short interest span. Indeed, over and over again, I am having difficulties to stay on the track I had decided. Like a little pup, I am easily distracted by the passing butterflies and such. Activities to activities, attitudes to attitudes, perceptions, too. That may explain the wide! range of experiences I had so far. The disconnectedness is disturbing, sometimes, but that is not what I want to write about now.

Perhaps it is just my not-so-healthy state. Perhaps it is just a side effect of my poor stamina I am having now. I have been having obnoxiously stagnant days for a while, and just a 5 minutes ago, I actually came out with a disturbing thought. I am losing interest in the world.

The ripples are getting boring to watch. The wind is getting somewhat easier to read. And even when I can't read them, I wonder whether it is really necessary to feel disappointed.

Yes, disappointment. Disappointment of optimism. Predictability of pessimism. And as if those were not enough, the repetitive of routines are starting to get on my nerve, again.

It may sound like secondary years all over again, but still, I believe it is better this time. At the very least, I got more companions this time. However, still..

There. I got distracted again.

Perhaps it would be easier if I can really decide on one course of action and mindset, then embark on as if it were some kind of command. Like a program, or robot. Or.. have I been doing that so far? Questions, again.

Even so, if there was one thing I want to hold on to, it would still be the promise I made.

Desperate as it seem, I still want to love this world. That is one cliche and 'cheesy' ideal concept I want to make real.

As they say, love has its ups and downs, high and low. Shifting to another perception (again), I wonder if all of this are just trivial parts of my 'romance story'..